by Anonymous

Like many other people, I read the disturbing New York Times article that recounted the sexual harassment Justin Baldoni and Jamey Heath (the creators of the Man Enough podcast) allegedly inflicted upon Blake Lively on the movie set of It Ends With Us. I’ve been wondering why the news felt like a gut punch to me. After a lot of processing, I think I pinpointed why I felt betrayed over this news: these men has held themselves up as male allies who were emotionally attuned, critiqued rigid gender roles, and embraced a masculinity that was caring and empathetic. In them I had finally found male allies that I thought were examples of the “ideal man,” and I am now terribly lost and don’t know which men to really trust.

I think that many LDS people specifically would wonder why I would ever be dramatic enough to say that I feel lost when it comes to finding examples of “ideal men” because they would just point to the massive list of male General Authorities and say, “Pick one! They’re men of God!” I believe that this way of thinking is a form of hero worship that demands people to view their priesthood leaders as infallible, incorruptible people whose opinions should be seen as doctrine and whose actions we should all emulate. There is no better quote that summarizes this pedestalizing than “If God is male, then male is God” (Mary Daly). These men release their books and go on their public speaking tours and create a culture where they are elevated above the average member simply because of a position they hold; whether this is intentional or not I’m not sure, but it does happen and it doesn’t seem to be slowing down.

I used to be a sucker for this kind of hero worship mentality as well. Ever since I was young, my family members and fellow ward members would really only speak about how great priesthood leaders were. I never heard the men of influence being referred to as human beings with complications and nuance — they were simply men called by God, so therefore they were without fault. The glass façade started cracking for me in 2022 with President Wilcox’s disrespectful and racist laden sermon at a stake conference and how it was simply brushed aside without any form of meaningful consequence. The other difficult component is that when I attempted to talk to the fully committed family members and friends about President Wilcox’s disgusting behavior, I was met with furrowed brows and dismissive words. It was more of a “well, we must forgive him” response and a moving on that felt way too abrupt and unresolved.

In the time period from Feb 2022 to the present, I have had many instances where I have witnessed troublesome behavior and actions from General Authorities down through bishops at local levels. I know now from very personal experiences with the Bay Area ban of women on the stand that you get “leader roulette” and that, no, not all of the leaders in the church actually care about women’s voices, safety, security, opinions, or progression outside the bounds of marriage and motherhood. Sure, many leaders will prop their wives up in meetings and have their wives talk about how they feel empowered in this church, but then the leaders don’t make space for their spouses at the decision-making table. Many leaders will claim to value your input but not include you in meetings of influence, nor make it easy for you to give them feedback, especially in what I call the “middle management,” which is the Area Authorities’ division. The leaders will say you’re a daughter of God but then when presented with damning information about sexual assaults/harassments you face, many will not use their priesthood authority appropriately and will shield abusers and leave you out to struggle alone.

I would also be remiss to not mention someone like Tim Ballard in this conversation. Tim was also a self-proclaimed truth seeker who was an “advocate” for trafficked victims. It wasn’t until he crashed and burned his own image that people started waking up about him. I found that Tim had become so much of what he claimed to be fighting, and that happens to many men regardless of religion, age, race, etc.

So, you can imagine the stirring of hope I had when I stumbled upon Jamey and Justin’s podcast. Here were two men claiming to be sincere, open, honest, vulnerable, and caring in ways I had never actually seen most of my church leaders be when it came to creating space for women. These were men having difficult conversations that I would never even imagine most priesthood leaders being interested in having. And to top it all off, these men claimed to want to be held accountable for their actions. Accountability, that pesky but wonderful word I recited every week in Young Women’s as part of the Young Women’s Theme. What does accountability even look like to our priesthood leaders? When mistakes are made, who do they apologize to and how do they go about repairing the harm they have done? What do they feel like they owe to the people who have been affected by their actions? And are they that interested in stepping aside if their actions have been too damaging and are distracting away from their callings to be representatives of Jesus Christ Himself?

In closing, I think this whole experience has been good for me because I have been confronted with the fact that I can’t just foolishly trust any man of influence and that the only men I can fully trust are my savior Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. Anything else is idol worship that I must steer away from. I now know that my “ideal man” is someone who is consistently humble, thoughtful, and inclusive. And, yes, I know that there are some LDS priesthood leaders who are consistent in all things good. Nevertheless, I now realize that from now on, I should remember the phrase, “It’s all men until it’s no men.”*

*”It’s all men until it’s no men” points to the fact that we are all embedded in a patriarchal system that harms women, even though individual men may themselves be beneficent. It’s also a response to the common reaction “Not all men” when hearing about the violence and/or inequity that women experience at men’s hands. “It’s all men until it’s no men” points to the proactive work that men must do as a group to address sexism and gender-based violence.