by MM

Dear Brother,

How is your summer? I hope it’s going well.

I think it’s important for us to interact with people who don’t see the world in the same way we do, and for that reason I am glad to be in your ward. I have a feeling we do not see many things in the same way.

The first week you taught in Elder’s Quorum, you started your lesson by saying, “I hate lessons taught by women, because they all feel like Relief Society lessons.” My husband and I discussed that comment. I asked many clarifying questions (since I was, obviously, not in the room). It turns out that lesson was not even about a talk given by a woman. You just wanted to establish right off the bat that lessons taught by women are not of value and spiritual authority to you.

While that made my blood boil at the time, I have tried to keep an open mind. I shrugged it off when you taught an EQ lesson and said, “Motherhood is the highest and holiest calling. We can’t be mothers, so our job is to provide for our families.” Completely ignoring the MANY men in our ward who, through no fault of their own, cannot provide for their families.

I even just laughed when I heard that you taught a lesson saying that “the apostles are the perfect example of stoicism.” (If you want to follow that, who am I to say you can’t?)

But, Brother. You really believe those things, don’t you?

I know you will never read this, and if you did, you’d likely just brush it off, as it was written by a woman. But, Brother, you have daughters. You have a wife. YOUR WIFE TEACHES RELIEF SOCIETY?! Do you think her lessons are all bad? Do you want your daughters to believe that they have no spiritual authority to speak and teach?

I would like to address these points. Maybe if someday your daughter reads this, her eyes can be opened to the fact that women actually matter, contrary to what you say in Elders Quorum.

First, Elder’s Quorum should not be treated as some “boy’s club” where you can put others down. The world is facing an epidemic of male loneliness, and many men are in crisis with how to define masculinity in a world where many women are allowed and encouraged to have careers of their own. Elder’s Quorum could be a place to address those things. Men could counsel together and support one another. Maybe that’s what you are trying to do. I do not believe that counseling should ever happen by putting others down, though. You men do not need to bond over how much women are inferior at teaching. Find something new. I know many women with incredible spiritual gifts to teach. They preach and testify with strength, priesthood power, and conviction. It’s a shame that you do not want to hear it.

Second, our church leaders HAVE said that motherhood is the highest and holiest calling. The Family: A Proclamation does say that men are to provide. You are correct there. However, may I suggest that instead of shaming the men who are “falling short” of that expectation, you instead rethink what “provide” means? If you aspire to motherhood so much, perhaps you could try your hand at “providing” more emotional help and support to your family? Perhaps you could “provide” the family planning and grocery trips to take the burden of that high and holy calling off of your wife? And to give you grace, Brother, maybe you do that! But, Brother, that is not what came across in your lesson. What came across is that men aren’t good with children. They just need to earn money so their wives can stay home. Your children deserve a relationship with you! Don’t sacrifice it for the sake of “providing.” If Heavenly Father is our pattern for fatherhood, all men had better make sure they care deeply, personally, and emotionally for their children.

Brother, if you are interested in stoicism, good for you for expanding your mind! We believe in studying out of the best books and learning wherever we can. But perhaps look to our savior, rather than the apostles for your example. The apostles are generally great men. But prophet worship takes the focus away from Christ and the valuable lessons he taught about masculinity.

I implore you to study and listen to the words of women. We have valuable things to share. Christ spoke to women. Christ listened to women. Women in the church cannot have the luxury of “hating talks/lessons by men.” We would hardly have anything left to study.

Sincerely,
Your Sister in Christ, who actually has valuable things to say

MM is a professionally-trained opera singer and voice teacher. She is passionate about poetry and cooking, and she lives in the Pacific Northwest with her wonderful husband and pet turtle.