by Sarah Schow
Growing up, I couldn’t wait to live on my own. As the oldest of seven, I made sure to tell my parents any chance that I could, that I did not appreciate being the guinea pig.
I remember being at EFY in 2007, and the question was asked about what we most looked forward to when we were married. I answered that I most looked forward to making my own rules. The teacher for the class thought my answer was hilarious and made light of it, cracking a joke at my expense.
I have a fear of authority, but I also love to push back where possible—a complex I picked up from being the guinea pig, I’m sure. That inner turmoil of being true to myself while simultaneously pleasing those in leadership positions has been something I’ve carried into adulthood. I’m still active in the church, but I vocalize my thoughts and push back as much as I feel comfortable doing. I have found that it’s gotten easier over the years, but the path I’ve painstakingly carved out has lots of bumps and detours.
One of the pivotal moments in my young adulthood was the experience of dating my husband for as long as we did. We dated for five years—not the norm, I know.
My dad always told me cautionary tales about couples he knew from his time in YSA, or how he and my mom advised us to date a year before getting married. He also told me how when he had his exit interview for his mission, his mission president told him to “go home and get married before you get weird.” My dad often revised that advice, saying, “Go home and get un-weird, then get married before you get weird again.” I also remember hearing from trusted YW leaders to not marry a project. So much advice and cautionary tales were thrown my way growing up, that when it came time for myself and my boyfriend (now husband) to make our decisions, we were then told we were doing it wrong.
We had been dating for not even three months when our YSA bishop at the time asked us to meet with him. He told us to get married because he was worried about how physical we were. I was sitting there thinking, “We’re doing the same things as anyone else. Back scratches in sacrament meeting, make outs on the couch at our respective apartments.”
Holding back angry tears, I told our bishop no, because my parents always told me to date a year before getting married, and my family was going through a lot of things that prevented them from even attending a wedding, let alone fund one. (My dad was laid off and couldn’t travel due to things with his work visa, etc.)
That same bishopric then pushed us to be in temple prep at least three times because they thought if I took temple prep, it would get the ball moving and get me on board with marrying my husband.
Don’t get me wrong, I had the desire to marry him—no convincing needed there, but we weren’t ready and had to experience things as boyfriend and girlfriend before we got married. We ensured that our foundation was solid before we started building upon it.
Fast forward three years later after that conversation with that YSA bishop, we had a new bishopric, and a chance to be led by people who didn’t have preconceived notions about us. The bishop we had was amazing, and we both leaned on him a lot during that time in YSA. But unfortunately, more people started to talk about us. A lot of people assumed that we were having premarital sex, that we’d never get married, and that we should split.
A member of the bishopric was dealing with tithes and offerings with our friend who was the ward clerk at the time. The counselor asked our friend if he knew when we planned on getting married. Our friend simply responded that he didn’t know, nor was he our keeper. The counselor then responded, “You either know after six months or you don’t.” Our friend told us what he had heard. I was seeing red. I went to our bishop the following Sunday and told him what I had heard, saying that I shouldn’t have heard it, but it also shouldn’t have been said. Our bishop was so understanding, apologized on the counselor’s behalf, and said that, yes, it shouldn’t have been said, and then thanked me for talking to him about it.
Shortly after that experience, there was a remark made on a YSA confessions page about my (now) husband and I. That if we were couples goals for some people, “YIKES!” and then quoted Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies,” song: “If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.” Peers from my YSA liked that post; I was hurt and angry.
The following Sunday after that confession was posted was fast and testimony meeting. I remember getting up and bearing my testimony, saying that I don’t expect anyone to understand me perfectly, but my Savior does. He understands me perfectly, oh what comfort that brings to me! I also bore testimony that nowhere in the scriptures does it say that we need to hit certain milestones by certain ages or timelines—we don’t need to marry after three months of dating. We don’t need to figure out our careers by a certain age, we don’t need to have a certain amount of kids within a certain amount of time after marrying, we don’t need to be home owners by a certain age—the list goes on and on. Everyone’s timeline will be different, and that’s what is so beautiful about the plan. The end goal is to return to our Heavenly Parents, but how we get there will look different to each of us.
Shortly after that testimony meeting, my (now) husband and I decided to take a break from church. We needed to step away from the noise and unwanted feedback from our YSA peers and leaders. We needed to focus on us and take that time. We were not perfect— we did end up having premarital sex and living together, but we needed to do things on our own terms. I did have family members tell me that I was just trying to justify the choices that I made during this time, but how else are we supposed to learn if we don’t choose for ourselves?! Isn’t that the whole point of the Savior’s plan?
A year and a half into our break from church, we got married. We went far away from our college town, hired a female officiant, and got married with just our family members and our friends who were our witnesses. The small ceremony was perfect because we did it on our own terms, in our own timing—not because we were told to. I have no regrets on how we did it. The people who needed to be there were there. We made a simple post saying “Surprise! We’re married!” on Instagram, and the amount of support we received was overwhelming, even from the naysayers who made the bets that we’d never get married.
About five months after we got married, we felt ready to go back to church. We wanted to test the waters as in a family ward and see how the environment differed. Thankfully, our family ward was (and still is) great. They’re accepting and they really strive to be like Christ. They don’t care where we’ve been or how we got there. We feel welcomed and also lucky.
I was definitely nervous that a lot of people would bombard us with questions regarding when we’d have kids, but thankfully we didn’t encounter that, possibly because we stuck our necks out for our decision to take our time with dating one another, or maybe people are just better at respecting that boundary.
A year after we got married, we decided to get sealed. My feelings about the temple aside, it was a happy day. Even though our sealer objectified me a little bit and spent a lot of time talking about tithing, I was just happy to be committing to someone that I truly knew. That was always a fear of mine growing up, that I would be marrying a stranger. Thankfully that wasn’t the case. I knew my husband. He was and still is my home. We truly have become one. We are aligned in our thinking and our goals. We communicate. We are quick to forgive. We are true partners. If we had gotten married as quickly as our first YSA bishop desired for us, would we have been as strong as we are now? It’s hard to say, but I am so grateful for the courage of our convictions.
There are couples that started dating around the same time as us, who married a lot quicker than we did. Thankfully a lot of them have remained together, but not all of them have been so lucky. Perhaps those people were meant to go through that experience, but I often wonder if they would have rushed into marriage if the pressure and expectation were simply not there.
As scary as it is to go against the grain, I know I am better for it. No two relationships are the same, so why would our timelines be the same? Some people need to take longer than others. We need to stop pressuring people to “go home and get married before they get weird” after their missions. We need to encourage young people to find themselves. Find out what they’re passionate about. Develop their testimonies away from the influence of family and future spouses. Our young single adults need to do things because they feel the timing is right for them, and also need to not be afraid to mess up along the way.
Getting married shortly after dating someone has been such an unspoken rule in our church culture. Like I said, even though I have a fear of authority, I also like making my own rules— so you bet that I’ll do what feels right to me, even if I’m shaking and terrified nine times out of ten.
My advice to young single adults is to take your time. At the end of the day, it’s your life—you have to be comfortable with the pace you set. Nobody else should have that power or influence over you, especially because they’re not the ones living your life. Even if you’re angry crying in your bishops office like I was, I hope you also have the courage to say no.
23 Responses
Thanks for sharing your experience. During my own YSA years, I would’ve been one of the obnoxious, judgy, just-hurry-up-and-get-married-or-break-up members. 30 years later, I’m observing my own 25-yr-old daughter living in Provo dating a guy for almost 2 years now. She freely admits she doesn’t know if she’ll want to marry him someday, but is enjoying and learning from the relationship every day. And if they have premarital sex? Doesn’t change a thing about the wonderful people they already are.
Thank you for your kind words! And isn’t that wonderful to sit back and relax as your observe your daughter living her life the way she intends to?! And yes to your comment about how having premarital sex won’t change who they are! This choice that may or may not happen does not define anyone! It’s simply a choice that we learn and grow from. 💛
Brava, Sarah! I love that you are and have been forging your own path related to the church and big life decisions such as whom to marry and when/where to do so. Your story is an example of courage and utilizing the principle of agency in spite of a high-demand system that often interferes with it.
Sharing your story here will make a difference for someone reading it—even if it’s just to hear a unique and powerful perspective of a life well-lived outside the status quo of the patriarchy.
I hear how painful it was for you to do and say “no” in the face of enormous pressure to conform and make a consequential life choice before you were ready. Your bravery is inspiring! Thank you for taking the time to write and share your experience here.
Thank you, Wendy! 💛💛
I hope that sharing our story will help people feel less alone. When we were in YSA, we only had one other couple that we could look to in solidarity. They dated for 3 years before marrying. I hope more people feel confident in utilizing their agency for these big life choices!!
Considering we believe that you will literally be married for eternity, you would think the LDS church would encourage people to be more careful about who they marry.
I also hate how people act like you no longer have free will once you meet the “right” person. As a teenager, I was in a meeting with my bishop where I told him I wanted to go on a mission one day. He basically said, “that’s great, but you might meet someone before then and decide to get married.” I kept pushing back saying “no, I want to go on a mission. I don’t care if I meet someone.” He didn’t really like that, but I remember feeling so confused because I thought that even if I did meet someone I liked, I could still choose if I wanted to get married or go on a mission. It felt like he was saying, as soon as any guy looked into my eyes for long enough, I basically had no choice but to get married.
I also told myself that I had to date someone for at least a year before getting married, but I ended up getting engaged after only 3 months of dating my now husband. He’s amazing and it has worked out really well, but I honestly wish we had waited a lot longer. At the very least, I wish I had spent more than 3 months planning our wedding so it could have been what I wanted rather than feeling rushed.
I have said that countless times! Eternity is a long time and yet we put the pressure on our young single adults to quickly make that decision!
YES to all of this. I was dating my now husband for less than three weeks before his family started pressuring us to get married. We were engaged at 6 weeks. He hadn’t even been off his mission a year yet. All of his siblings got married super fast, so they saw nothing wrong with it. At the time, I was caught up in the romance and excitement. Plus I was graduating from college soon and already felt like an old maid in the YSA ward (at 22yo! Crazy!) and honestly, I was terrified that if I didn’t get married before graduating, I would never find a husband. We have made it work, 14+ years and two kids, but it has been really hard. We waited five years to have kids and I was really grateful for that, so we had a chance to really get to know each other. And even with that, we were constantly bombarded with questions and jokes about when would have kids, not even realizing how rude or insensitive it was (we struggled with years of infertility). I wish back then I had more confidence to do things the best way for me, or at least more support in not rushing choices for eternity.
I’m sorry you felt the pressure, but I am so glad you were able to take that time after marrying your spouse before having kids, even if it wasn’t easy, and dealing with infertility just adds that extra stress and emotion to it all.
My dad also advised us growing up to take time before having kids, because after we have kids, we’ll always have kids, even when they’re grown and out in the world. We waited 3 years after marrying to have our first.
But one thing I do know, even if there are many people who did not push back and did get married quickly, we can all work together to change that for our children. Culture needs to change!
I wholeheartedly agree with all of this! My husband and I are about to hit 5 years of marriage and we don’t have kids yet. While I’m happy with our timeline and the choice we’ve made to develop as a couple and not rush into kids (thankfully have we not had family pressure), I still feel so many built in pressures from the church messaging. And baked in from my own childhood in the church, there are many internal fears of what people might be thinking behind my back. But like you, I have also found solace in the plan for us to have agency! And make choices! It has been so empowering to set a path for our life as we see fit. At this point, I’m happy to be an example for my younger siblings and future children that we can each set our own path—and hopefully change cultural mindsets.
Yes to all of this!! We have the power to change the culture! We can continue to say no and shift that cultural mindset! 💛
Sarah, I just love that you wrote this. Your story is so important for others to hear. I love the advice your dad gave you. This brings up a whole other topic that is on my mind with two adult kids. The Strength for Youth pamphlet is for youth! It should not be used for adults. For healthy adult sexuality, the Six Principles of Sexual Health is much more appropriate in my opinion. https://www.theharveyinstitute.com/six-principles-of-sexual-health
Thank you!! 🥰
Yeah my dad is full of little nuggets of wisdom. 😜
And, yes! Enough of the infantilization of our adult members!
Sarah, I wish this could be required reading for every LDS YSA. My husband and I were friends for six months then dated a year before marrying. People also gave us the side eye a bit. When will we learn to mind our own business?
Thank you! 🥰
The side-eye and snide comments are the worst! And the thing is, people dishing out those looks and comments think that that sort of pressure will actually motivate couples to do what they think is best! But they don’t know JACK about the inner workings of those relationships!
The YSA pressure culture to marry so fast 😤
It’s totally bishop roulette in YSA!
K and I started dating same time as you and your husband. But were in different wards from each other on the west side. Then we spent the summer apart while he was in Mozambique. In Sept. we moved back, and found new houses that were in the same ward. So even though we’d been dating for 5 months no one really knew it had been that “long”. Thinking that dating someone for 5 months is a long time is very surreal to say now. 5 months is nothing. Thankfully, our ward friends and our bishop never hassled us because we weren’t rushing to get married.
The biggest issues I had with ysa people trying to pressure me to get engaged quickly was in my super tiny institute class. There was like 3-4 people in this class because it was in the middle of the day on a Tuesday.
Brother B, one of the institute teachers and an RM who was single, but really wanted to get married herself were always nagging me about “what was taking so long to get engaged” etc etc. And I was like, well I’m not going to trauma dump about my hesitations around how serious of a choice I consider eternal marriage because of my parent’s very contentious divorce to these strangers, so I’ll just laugh about it and say we’re making sure we’re a good fit.
Fast forward 3 months later, Brother B. was SHOCKED when I was engaged after Christmas break. Because his harassing hadn’t worked for 3 months, so he thought we were cooked as a couple I guess 😂
He still thought we were taking too long to get married with our planned out 5 month engagement. Which again, 5 months to be engaged?! So short! Objectively.
And then later on, the RM who was also part of my institute class harassment, she met a boy, dated him for 3 weeks, and somehow ended up choosing the same day to get married in the same temple as me.
It was wild. I had that date picked out for 5 months after we got engaged. It felt like an insane coincidence. But I didn’t see her at the temple, and I had already picked out the best time slot. Just more benefits to having a slightly longer Mormon engagement.
I talked to this RM’s sister in law years later, and she said her marriage had some big bumps in it.
Idk everyone’s so paranoid about chastity that they make such rash life-long or eternal decisions. Wild. Time and maturity are so important with these decisions.
Brother B… ohhhh man… 😅 The institute teachers definitely gave us a hard time, too. Not sure if it’s the same Brother B (the older one is the one I am referring to), but he is friendly with my husband’s dad, and at one point in our dating life, he called me Sis Schow during a class, even though we weren’t married at that point in time… 🙃 Not sure if that was his way of being subtle and telling us he expects that we get married, or if he truly just didn’t realize…
And it seriously is bishop roulette!
The young brother B was my harasser 💀
While my husband and I were married within a few months of officially meeting (timing actually was right and we had angelic confirmation of our decision), we spent the first several years of our marriage “dating”. Due to many trials in that same time frame, ranging from that poor-college-student life to infertility, we didn’t get our degrees or careers figured out until 10+ years later (still going). So thank you for reminding me, through your language about that testimony you bore years ago, that Christ invites us to consider, contemplate and change, rather than rashly decide because of desires to feel settled and sated.
Both my husband and I needed to read that today.
🥹💛
Hello to you and your hubby! 🫶
Happy to help be that reminder! Thank you for reading and sharing! 💛
As someone who felt a lot of pressure to get married quickly, I love this perspective. My first husband and I dated for 9 months. 5 of which was long distance, and then had a 9-month engagement. My bishop was unhappy with the timeline. A friend who served in the same mission as my ex-husband. Told us that their mission president would be disappointed to hear how long our engagement was. I ended up marrying a stranger and experienced a lot of emotional and physical abuse during our 18-month marriage.
I chose to get married, and I own that. But I also have to acknowledge that I felt a lot of pressure to get married, and was given very little education on healthy relationships. All I was very told was to prioritize marrying a return missionary in the temple.
A few years ago I attended my cousin’s wedding. She and her now husband had been together for 8 years before they got married. Their wedding was so personal to them, with references to places they had travelled together, their dog, and their home included in the wedding decor. Their vows included inside jokes and promises that could only be made if you had lived with someone for many years and knew their idiosyncrasies. It was a stark contrast to my wedding and other Mormon weddings which tend to all be cookie-cutter with couples who are still getting to know each other.
As someone who felt a lot of pressure to get married quickly, I love this perspective. My first husband and I dated for 9 months. 5 of which was long distance, and then had a 9-month engagement. My bishop was unhappy with the timeline. A friend who served in the same mission as my ex-husband. Told us that their mission president would be disappointed to hear how long our engagement was. I ended up marrying a man I didn’t know well and experienced a lot of emotional and physical abuse during our 18-month marriage.
I chose to get married, and I own that. But I also have to acknowledge that I felt a lot of pressure to get married, and was given very little education on healthy relationships. All I was very told was to prioritize marrying a return missionary in the temple.
A few years ago I attended my cousin’s wedding. She and her now husband had been together for 8 years before they got married. Their wedding was so personal to them, with references to places they had travelled together, their dog, and their home included in the wedding decor. Their vows included inside jokes and promises that could only be made if you had lived with someone for many years and knew their idiosyncrasies. It was a stark contrast to my wedding and other Mormon weddings which tend to all be cookie-cutter with couples who are still getting to know each other.
Also forgot to include in my original commitment that when I got divorced I was told by many people at church, “maybe you should have dated longer before you decided to get married.”
We’re damned if we do, and damned if we don’t.
Exactly! Damned if we do and damned if we don’t is right! I’m so sorry you felt that pressure! I’m sorry that you felt backed into a corner that ultimately put you in a toxic situation! It’s not right that we’re pressured by so many individuals— people need to back off! 💛