Anonymous grew up in a faithful Mormon family in which her father was sometimes bishop and her mother was sometimes relief society president and probably every person was abused. She tried and failed to interrupt the abuse cycle as a child; She tries and mostly succeeds at the same as an adult.
father
he doesn’t remember
what he did to my body
my body
remembers.
nurse
did she tend the wounds
and never ask what caused them?
did we stay home
when there were wounds to tend?
sister
on winter break, while
he tears upstairs to hit me
she yells stop
&
he
stops.
on summer break, when
he makes our brother’s ears bleed
splits his lips
she warns she’ll tell CPS
if it happens again.
when she is back at college
it happens again.
again
and again and
again
and
again and
again
(I lose count,
climb trees,
disguise my limbs as branches,
hum and cry until the house is quiet
again.)
mother
he parents with fists;
she asks him to.
bishop
something wrong is happening at home
the words slip from my mouth like oil;
he laughs.
I know your family
he says
nothing is wrong.
he knows my family
from three months of sundays.
something wrong is happening at home.
the words sink on my tongue
I don’t try to tell
again.
brother
he doesn’t remember
what he did to my body
my body
remembers.
13 Responses
I believe you. I’m so sorry.
I am so sorry, for the abuse of your parents, and the second time at church. Heartbreaking.
Oh, my heart. You grew up believing that the bishop was someone you could trust. I’m so sorry he let you down in your moment of vulnerability. And I’m so sorry about your awful parents. I’m hugging and believing little girl you and grown up woman you.
Devastating. You were failed at every level. I’m so sorry.
you have law enforcement and family services there. Turn your Father in. He has to be answerable for his crimes. quit crying and do something about it. people who really love you will stand by you. the others do not count
Nope nope nope nope nope. You don’t get to tell people to “quit crying,” especially when they’re talking about abuse. You can speak to your own experience, and state your opinion (“I would encourage you to turn him in”), but you don’t get to tell people how to feel. This is a warning – one more comment along these lines and you’ll be put in permanent moderation.
She DID do something about it, by speaking going to leaders who let her down. Now she came here to her sisters, and the sisters worth their salt are standing by her, believing her, and supporting her.
Dear Anonymous Sister, I believe you. I am so sorry for what happened to you. The sisters groomed by men to attack you are far less numerous than those who stand with you. They have just been groomed to stay silent. But we who are slowly exercising our voices cry out: we believe you and stand in solidarity with you! You do what feels right for you and we support you. Always!
We can’t expect children to be able to advocate for themselves, especially when they try to and are not believed. We cannot expect adults who were abused to all of a sudden be healed and capable of advocating for themselves just because they are now adults. We carry our early experiences with us forever. It’s easy to say ‘people who love you will stand by you and others don’t matter’ when the people who are supposed to love you and stand by you are good people. It’s much harder to be so flippant when the people you love, and are taught are your priesthood leader, and you believe God has commanded you to respect, are the same people who damage you.
My dear Anonymous, I believe you and I stand with you. You are brave and eloquent and I am grateful for your voice.
I believe you and I am sorry for what happened to you.
I stand with you, always, in denouncing this abuse.
The church leaders tasked with saving you who didn’t help you are at fault, not you, and will be held accountable.
Your abusers also are to blame, not you, and punishment is being prepared.
Those who hurt you AND those who heard about it and failed to report it and rescue you are ALL accountable to God for your pain.
I pray you will find some measure of healing and peace in knowing that we stand with you and support you, always.
I also pray that God and mother earth’s justice will be both equal to the pain that you suffered as well as amplified by the pain we feel as we read and cry out with you for recompense.
This has pierced my heart, and I’ll now carry it—and you—with me.
I am so sorry. I too have been disbelieved and betrayed by people who should have cared for me. I hope you find healing for your soul
I believe you. I believe you. I believe you.
This is so powerful, and so sad. Thank you for sharing, anonymous.