pastel sweater drawing
pastel sweater drawing
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Guest Post
Exponent II features the work of guest authors writing about issues related to Mormonism and feminism. Submit a guest post Write for Exponent II.

Guest Post: My Pastel Cardigan

by Kimber Young Poon

I first saw the pastel cardigan on a missionary training video. Perched on the edge of the seat, the sister missionary wearing the cardigan glowed with a submissive charm.

“How many people should we invite to be baptized this week?” The other sister — the non-pastel-cardigan-one — asked.

“Hmmmm,” the pastel cardigan sister tilted her head to the ceiling in a thoughtful pause. Her hair was modestly fluffy — long, parted in the center. “What about 10?”

She gently leafed through their planner, her fingers floating through the pages.

“We have to have the faith that God will help us,” she said softly, quiet confidence exuding behind a relaxed pixelated smile.

I went to the store that Monday and bought myself a pastel cardigan. The arms didn’t fit quite right, and I had to stretch the sleeve hem to reach my wrist, but the fabric was soft and the buttons were shiny. It hung simply around my torso. I regarded myself in the mirror, wondering how I could add more fluff to my hair.

Months later, I sat across from Diana, a new woman we were teaching. Her hair was curly, wild, and dyed bright orange. She wore all black — a black cardigan over a black blouse, black tweed pants, and pointed black flats.

She was the stage lighting director for big concerts in Manhattan. She spoke in a brisk, hurried voice, as if constantly giving commands to technicians to hit the lights immediately.

And for some reason, beyond our understanding, she wanted to meet with the Mormon missionaries.

The first day she saw me, she eyed my shin-length skirt and said curtly, “You’re going to get raped at night if you walk out on the street too late.”

“Don’t worry, we have to be in our apartment by 9:30,” I replied.

I tugged at my pastel cardigan. So, why did she want to meet with us?

“I want to know what it means to be a Woman of God,” she said.

Well, it means pastel cardigans, I said. But I didn’t say that. I said words like “obedience” and “special” and “faith” and “loved.”

“You’re in luck!” My companion chimed in, “We have the General Women’s Conference happening next week. You can come and see what we are all about!”

I squirmed in my seat next to Diana as we waited for the conference to start. We were seated in a tight room on folding chairs in semi-circles surrounding a small, old television. She eyed me again.

“Pastel isn’t your color,” she said matter-of-factly. I pulled at my sleeves. Why couldn’t they just stay?

As the broadcast started, I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw a diverse international choir.

All of the women teaching in the broadcast taught exclusively about pastel cardigans. But they didn’t actually teach that. They said words like “obedience” and “duty” and “gift” and “Motherhood” and “covenant” and “highest and holiest calling.”

It seemed normal enough to me.

During the closing prayer, I snuck a glance at Diana. She stared at the screen head-on, unabashedly.

“I thought you guys told me that God thought women were good for more than being birthing machines,” she said to us before we never saw her again.

That night, I took off my pastel cardigan.

“I tried,” I told God on my knees in tears, “I’ve tried to be who you want me to be. I’ve tried to be soft and meek and quiet and gentle. But I am bold, I am impatient, I am a leader, I am proud.”

God met me that night — right there, sitting on the ground across from me, knees to knees.

“I have enough people wearing pastel cardigans,” She said. “I need you.”

 

Kimber is a writer, teacher, and artist based out of Cottonwood Heights, Utah. She loves to try new foods, visit museums, and wear colorful dresses (but avoids pastels). She writes about faith transformation and spiritual growth in her newsletter, Something for Sundays.

Exponent II features the work of guest authors writing about issues related to Mormonism and feminism. Submit a guest post Write for Exponent II.

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