By Kara Stevenson
Lately, I have found myself sitting on the fence. I can’t say that it’s comfortable. Fences aren’t designed with a place for us to sit, after all. They’re designed to separate; to show whose land and property is whose – to show where you should not step foot.
If the land and property is not your own, you ought to stick to your side. To merely peek over the fence is seen as invasive. You stick to your side, and they will stick to theirs.
I’m not suggesting that this is an inherently bad thing. Sometimes, there is good reason to have a fence. Safety and privacy are the top reasons that come to mind.
However, if there were a person who used their walls, the locks on their doors, and their high tech security systems to never let a single soul on their property, we may agree that their use of such tools has been taken to an extreme. Their goal for safety may be preventing them from learning about – and learning to love – those just outside their front door.
Safety, security, and comfort are important. But so is inclusion, diversity, and compassion.
To stand in one’s convictions is admirable. But so is openness and the willingness to allow other ideas in.
Human history is full of separation. Governments and powerful people have used separation as a tool to keep their own thoughts and ideas in, while keeping others out. Sometimes physical walls are built to separate people along with their ideas.
East Berliners who held jobs in the West were cut off from their employment. Even families were separated by the domineering concrete structure lined with armed guards.
Pictures from the time period show faces peering through barbed wire, friends reaching across barriers to hold hands, and fathers lifting children upon their shoulders to peer across the divide. Some pictures show East Berliners escaping, climbing over the barriers or even digging tunnels to escape to the other side. Even infants and the elderly were dragged through such tunnels to find freedom in the West.
Many of us won’t have to experience the division caused by a literal wall. It is not a physical fence that I sit upon, but rather the proverbial fence of Mormonism.
We don’t have a West and an East side. We have Mormons and Ex-Mormons. The divide between the two can feel just as menacing and impenetrable as a concrete wall.
There are some who may peek over at the other side, curious about their beliefs or their reasoning for being on such a side, only to quickly step away, fearful of how these new and differing perspectives might impact them and possibly change their very lives.
There are some who may be separated from their family. Some refuse to meet their loved ones at the wall; their differences in beliefs are too vast that they would rather not have a relationship at all. Others gladly meet their friends where they are, and even reach their hand over the wall with love.
Some, who find themselves desperate to get to the other side, feel like they have to claw, fight, climb and dig if only to experience what the other side is like. They don’t have the freedom to wander to and fro. The consequences of picking the other side can be devastating.
The wall has become normal to us. We hardly even notice it. The divide between Mormons and Ex-Mormons has been around for almost as long as the church has existed. It was constructed out of fear and anger, betrayal and ignorance.
I have found myself on both sides of the wall. I had to fight my way to stand firmly on either side, digging metaphorical tunnels and pushing past proverbial barbed wire. When you finally arrive, it feels good to be on one side. You know where you stand. You have your people who stand by you. Life feels clear because you “know” you’re on the right side of things.
And yet, over time, I have found that to be painfully unsatisfactory.
I lacked spiritual humility. I forgot what it was like to be curious and excited about the unknown. I felt intellectually imprisoned within the walls of our cultures own construction.
If it were in my power, I would destroy the wall. I wish for a culture that is truly free; where members can flow back and forth seamlessly, without the fear of losing relationships or their perceived worth in the eyes of God. I wish doubt and uncertainty were celebrated, not seen as weak in comparison to faith.
But wishing only gets you so far.
The fence is still here. I don’t expect it to go away any time soon. If that’s going to be the case, then I will use it to my advantage.
I’ll sit on the fence, because up here, I can see both sides. I can see the hurting faces of members and non members. I can see the families torn apart. I can see friends meeting in the middle, finding holes in the wood where they can see eye to eye. I can see the painful journeys of those finding a way to cross.
I have no desire to be right. I don’t want to place my feet on solid ground that gives me the illusion of “knowing.” I don’t care to feel spiritual safety on either side.
We should care about being inclusive, making sure that people on both sides don’t feel like outcasts. We should care about diversity of thought, being willing to hear both sides express their passions and struggles. But mostly, we should care about being compassionate, and loving others regardless of where they stand.
For me, I can do those things best when I sit on the fence.
Some people don’t like fence sitters. They’re seen as unable to make a decision, perhaps even lacking the courage to do so.
I would argue that it actually requires courage to sit on the fence. It requires humility to accept what you do not know. And it requires love to be willing to see both sides.
Needless to say, I am far from perfect in this regard. I may slip off the fence from time to time, finding momentary comfort in the solid ground beneath my feet. It’s tempting to stay, and even more tempting to leave the fence far, far behind, creating an even greater divide.
But the easy path is never worthwhile.
So I climb back on the fence.
Perhaps you find yourself standing at the border of a different fence that juts its way through the church. Feminists vs traditionalists, or progressives vs conservatives, just to name a few.
I’m sure there’s plenty of room on those fences, too.
It may be obvious to note that there are certain topics that necessitate a choice; where fence sitting is not an option. Racism, sexism, and all forms of bigotry are examples of such topics where I cannot sit on the fence. And neither should you.
There are few topics that are so black and white, where neutrality can’t be possible. If we boil down racism, sexism, and bigotry, we quickly see that the opposition found in such topics is between love and hate.
In such cases, may we always choose the side of love.
But in cases that aren’t so black and white, where the nuance blends toward a tone of grey, fence sitting may very well be the greatest act of love that we can muster.
If you haven’t yet, I would encourage you to give fence sitting a try. I can’t guarantee your comfort, and I certainly can’t guarantee you safety in your current beliefs.
But I can promise you that you won’t find a better view anywhere else.
Kara Stevenson is a BYU-I graduate with a bachelors in communications. She primarily uses her degree to negotiate with her two independent and fierce daughters. She is a Disney addict, a video game lover, and she enjoys dabbling with writing on the side.
Photo: Paul Schutzer/Life Pictures/Shutterstock
5 Responses
This is a lovely and insightful post. Like you, I long for more generosity and compassion on both sides of the fence — and ultimately, the destruction of the fence. As you mention, it can be hard when people on one side have views about, say, gender that you find constrictive. But I have found that listening to people with generosity, even across significant divides, invariably makes me feel more compassionate and more connected to them.
We Mormons take everything so seriously, as if our eternal salvation were constantly at risk. Been there/done that. Not good. We’ve got one shot at marvelous mortality, whether the Church is true or not. Enough pain & problems come our way without manufacturing them. The phrase “I know” is one Mormonism could do without. “I hope” bespeaks humility & patience – you know, those Christlike attributes towards which we strive. My humble advice: walk outside and enjoy the sun on your face. Neither that face nor that sun will last forever.
Bravo!
Kara,
This is beautiful thank you. I completely relate.
There are times when we must take an uncompromising stand, for truth and ethics, one definite position.
But more often, the needed work is mediation, negotiation, solution making, communicating, facilitating a
breakthrough perspective bigger than either polarity. Then, the view from atop the wall is amazing.
This is a great blog moreover it is a helpful blog about fencing.