By Kara Stevenson
When my friend first told me that she was a Mormon, I laughed at her. Not because I was mocking her religion, but because I didn’t know that Mormonism existed. I thought it was a religion that never caught traction and died with Joseph Smith. I thought she was making a joke. But she wasn’t.
A few years later she invited me to join her at a youth conference. I better understood Mormons that day.
I saw a people who were brave; boldly testifying in an increasingly secular world.
I saw a people who passionately stood by their values.
I saw a people who strived to be better.
I saw a people who loved God.
I saw a people who were trying their best.
It brought me to tears that this was the group of people that I had laughed at, simply because I was ignorant to the fact that they had even existed.
After several years as a faithful member of the church, I experienced a faith crisis and discovered a new group of people: the ex-Mormon community.
I knew that people left the church. For the most part I respected and understood their reasons for doing so. But I would be lying if I said that I always thought positively of them. I heard the typical tropes that most of us hear: they’re lazy, lacked faith, gave up, and are filled with bitterness.
But I didn’t recognize that thousands of these ex-Mormons worked together to build community and support groups.
I didn’t know that they existed.
I stepped into their space, and I better understood ex-Mormons that day.
I saw a people who were brave — daring to question the status quo and navigate the unknown despite tremendous outside pressures.
I saw a people who passionately stood by their values.
I saw a people who strived to be better.
I saw a people who loved humanity.
I saw a people who were trying their best.
It saddens me that I didn’t learn this lesson the first time: All kinds of people exist and take up space in this world. And they deserve our respect. They deserve to be seen, heard, and validated in their experiences.
Mormons and ex-Mormons aren’t too different. Both communities are filled with broken people who desperately wish to be understood, people who wish to be seen and to have their very existence recognized.
But too often, ex-Mormons may unwittingly fulfill scripture and point, mock, and scorn at those tightly holding onto the iron rod as they inch forward, filled with faith and hope that the beautiful tree of life will be waiting for them at the end.
And many who hold the iron rod do not recognize that, while their grip is firm in one hand, the other may be pointed, mocking, and scorning those who dare to let go and wade into the mist, off on a journey to discover if maybe, just maybe, there is more beyond the rod.
Here’s to hoping that others can learn this lesson quicker than I could.
Humanity is beautiful. Our differences are beautiful.
Though our journeys may look different, at our cores we are all perfectly imperfect beings striving to do our best.
I don’t care if you’re holding onto the iron rod or if you’ve found yourself exploring the mist. I’ll join you where you’re at. Because wherever you are, that place exists. It is a valid place to be. And I refuse to be ignorant to that again.
As long as you are there, it’s a good enough place for me, too.
Kara Stevenson is a BYU-I graduate with a bachelors in communications. She primarily uses her degree to negotiate with her two independent and fierce daughters. She is a Disney addict, a video game lover, and she enjoys dabbling with writing on the side.
12 Responses
I love this, Kara. Thank you.
Thank you for reading!
I resonate with this very much and it is beautifully said. I feel very seen by your words as someone who supports and receives very valuable and meaningful support from friends and family on both sides of the spectrum. Your expression of willingness to meet people wherever they are at with love and acceptance touches my heart and is what I’m trying to do too. I wrote a couple posts in recent months that resonate with these ideas:
https://exponentii.org/blog/a-call-for-ethical-boundaries-in-interbelief-mormon-communities/
And https://exponentii.org/blog/putting-relationships-first-in-our-increasingly-mixed-faith-families/
I love your writings! You have addressed this topic so eloquently. In my opinion, this may be the most important topic that needs addressing in our faith community. We need less obsession with being “right” and less focus on “the one true path.” We need more unconditional love and, as you wrote, we need to place relationships over dogma and over the need to be right. So brilliantly stated!
Mmm. Lovely. Thank you.
Thank you for reading!
I think you’ve pointed out something that I’ve thought about as well — that too often people who leave Mormonism retain a good measure of black/white, good/bad binary thinking (which is often encouraged within the church). Being able to appreciate complexity, paradox, and the fact that there are good, smart, noble people everywhere — basically, being willing to abandon binary thinking — is a hallmark of maturity. Thank you for modeling that for us.
Thank you for the kind words! I couldn’t agree more. The binary thinking both inside and outside the church needs to be rooted out. It is the source for so many of our problems.
I have found myself in the binary on both ends of the spectrum. The pendulum swung hard and I got whiplash. It is so hard to navigate when the journey in either direction can be socially isolating for people (joining or leaving a religion). I love your thoughts and they were so well said.
I have experienced this as well. We feel the need to be “all in” so we can have a sense of belonging within our group, especially considering how difficult it can be to find someone more in the middle. I appreciate your kind words, thank you for the comment!
My parents are both converts, and my mom particularly faced pushback from her Southern Methodist family when she was baptized Mormon and moved to Utah. When my own beliefs shifted she was very upset with me for not staying traditionally orthodox LDS. It was so frustrating to me, because she couldn’t see that I was doing exactly what she had done herself, and that she was treating me exactly like her mom had treated her.
I wish we could just let everyone be wherever they want to be spiritually and religiously, and not worry if it matches our own personal worldview!
Thanks for the lovely post. I hope your message spreads fast and wide!
I whole heartedly agree! We need to find a way to celebrate each person on their journey. The journey is theirs to make and it is exciting to witness if we can just let go of our need to be “right” or to have conformity. Thank you for the comment!