Guest Post by Ann. Ann has a Bachelor’s Degree in Economics. Contrary to what some people told her, she has been able to use the degree while raising her four children.
This week our ward is hosting the annual “Temple and Priesthood Preview” for children who will turn 12 next year. My twin daughters will be 12 and so they are going. I’m still deciding if I will be going with them or if I’ll let their dad attend the meeting.
I have complicated feelings about this milestone. I’m happy that this isn’t just a “Priesthood Preview.” There seems to be at least a token effort to acknowledge the girls are getting older too. But what are the leaders going to say? Will it be, “Hey boys, your new special job is to pass the sacrament in January. And girls, your new special job is to um um um oh you can hand out towels in the baptistry. That’s comparable, right?”
My feelings about my daughters turning 12 are complicated enough. But my feelings are even more complicated because I also have a son. A son with an intellectual disability. We don’t need to go into the details of his disability, but it’s there and it’s noticeable. Everyone in the ward knows that he’s mentally different from the other children.
Our ward has been fabulous with my son. Absolutely fabulous. They called a special helper to sit with him during Primary. They helped him participate in the Primary Program in a way he felt comfortable. Ward leaders acknowledge him often. When it was time for his baptismal interview our Bishop didn’t complicate things with trying to figure out his emotional age. He was 8 years old and that meant he could be baptized. Full Stop.
I’m certain that in a few years when my son turns 12 our bishop won’t have any reservations about ordaining him to be a deacon. He’ll be allowed to pass the sacrament – probably with help at first. The ward will be supportive of his efforts. It will be another way they include my son and treat him just like any other boy. I will be so happy that my ward is so supportive of my son. It will feel great.
Until I look at my daughters.
My daughters, sitting on the bench with me. Unable to pass the sacrament.
I’m stuck in a place where I’m simultaneously happy that my son won’t be excluded because of his disability, while being sad that my daughters will be excluded because of their gender. It hurts to know that my daughters can’t do something because they are female. While my son gets to do something just because he is male.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with these feelings or this situation. Do I say that I don’t want my son ordained until he expresses an interest or until I feel he’s emotionally mature? Or is that hurting his social standing among the boys his age? Do I have a long conversation with my daughters about how the church is sexist, and yeah it kind of sucks that their brother who can’t even tie his shoes gets to pass the sacrament? Or is that sowing resentment between siblings?
These are questions without good answers. I’m probably going to puzzle over this situation for a long time. In the meantime I still need to decide if I’m going to the Temple and Priesthood Preview on Sunday. I think I will. I need to know what my daughters are being told.
5 Responses
I continue to be amazed that people are still having the same concerns we did 50 years ago. Very little has changed.
“I’m stuck in a place where I’m simultaneously happy that my son won’t be excluded because of his disability, while being sad that my daughters will be excluded because of their gender.”
Wow. Thank you for sharing this – both your joy and your pain.
Lots of solidarity. It’s a constant sadness and concern that my daughter won’t have the same opportunities as my sons. I think you are wise to attend that meeting with your girls. That way you can nuance anything you need to, or point out blind spots, or use it as a jumping point to spin off into a conversation about what church would be like if girls and women were ordained.
Ann- did you go? How was it? How are your daughters doing with this?
One of my sons is being ordained as a teacher today. I finally chose to sit down with him when he was going to be ordained as a deacon. I explained that I love and support him and would attend his confirmation. But I don’t believe in a male only priesthood or the sustaining process. I always invite questions to both me and to my believing husband. I’m not recommending this. Just sharing what I had to do to continue forward with my sons being ordained without breaking.