by Kandis Lake

As an avid and lifelong reader, books have been many things for me — a mode for spiritual growth, self-improvement, discovering the world, entertainment, and a way to escape from difficult times and inner turmoil.

I have always read extensively, but I used to do this funny thing where I’d read my “have to’s” first before rewarding myself with reading something fun, if I had the time.

What I “had” to read were scriptures. This always included The Book of Mormon, because I had been taught repeatedly how important it was and to always prioritize it. I received plentiful messages as both a youth and an adult promising me blessings, protection, the spirit, and testimony growth – simply by reading The Book of Mormon every day. The messages also implied that on the flip side, if I didn’t read it daily, I wouldn’t have the spirit with me, wouldn’t be blessed and protected, and would lose my testimony.

Most years, there was another book of scripture to follow as well — either The Old Testament, The New Testament, or The Doctrine and Covenants —whatever that year’s church-wide curriculum was. I often followed scripture reading with the corresponding lesson in the church curriculum manual.

I would often throw in a conference talk to read or listen to as well because I was also promised blessings for studying the words of the prophets. Even though I would watch all ten hours of General Conference twice a year, I’d study the talks all over again in an attempt to not miss a single thing.

Sometimes, I additionally felt internal pressure to read or listen to educational or non-fiction books next. Although my true passion has always been engaging with the artful works of fiction, I used to believe that I had to be learning something new and concrete for reading to be productive.

Once I had read or listened to enough religious content and enough “productive” educational content, I would finally feel free to dive into books that I actually wanted to read. If I did “enough,” I could have fun and relax. This wasn’t only the case with reading, but with how I spent my time in general.

At the time, I would have vehemently denied that I had to do any of this compulsive behavior. Looking back, however, I can see I was bound to my routine by scrupulosity. 

The problem is, as others who have experienced scrupulosity can attest to, most days nothing ever actually feels like enough. There is an endless running list in your mind of more good things you can do, more good things you must do, to be the person you’re supposed to be.

I know I’m not alone in experiencing scrupulosity, and I think it’s quite common for members to be bound by religious routine, even if the pressure they feel isn’t quite as intense. I say this because I’ve had multiple conversations with others about books when they’ve told me they “have to” listen or read the scriptures first in the day before reading the novel they’re really excited about. Or that they “have to” finish the Book of Mormon before proceeding to the book they’ve had their eye on.

I often found myself, especially once I became a parent, completely frustrated when I couldn’t get a focused or long scripture study in, or accomplish any of the other many things we were told at church would bless us and give us the spirit. The checklist of church involvement was often really hard due to a lack of time, lack of attention and focus, or a lack of energy. 

However, I powered through like a steamroller, determined to earn the promised of blessings and protection by doing the things that would bring me the spirit, do the things that would show God I was devoted and eager to qualify. I powered through with the overwhelm of looming college homework. I powered through the fog of exhaustion as a new parent. I powered through boredom, ignoring the calls of creativity and fun until my religious tasks were completed. I powered through the bottomless depression that eventually plagued me – certain that doing all of the right things would bring me the spirit and therefore vanquish the “weakness” that depression was.

I did many different things to prioritize the gospel — waking up early, staying up late, spending my baby’s precious nap time on religious study, using up precious date nights in the temple, fasting for long periods even though it made me grumpy with loved ones, overriding my depleted social battery to fulfill my calling, keeping a running prayer streaming through my mind, and never allowing any part of me to consider letting go of any of it.

In retrospect, the relaxing I often compulsively avoided included truly connecting with myself, my kids, and others around me. That connection was severed when I was compulsively doing the things I was convinced needed to be done.

One of the biggest blessings that came from experiencing a faith crisis and transition is that I could finally let go of the endless gospel tasks — including daily scripture study. It definitely hasn’t happened automatically or easily — I often feel the bottomless need to hustle for worthiness in my bones — but mentally, I know that I can do it differently. I can simply do the good things I feel called in my heart to do, rather than try endlessly to do all of the good things others are telling me to do. 

I can have fun and I can rest. I can have fun even if I haven’t been productive yet. I can look at the checklist given from the church – or from anyone else – as a guideline or recommendation, rather than a qualifying requirement. What I’ve found to be even more effective for me personally, is tearing the checklist up and throwing it in the trash – it’s what I’ve needed.

I don’t feel like this change to no longer read scriptures every day has led to a lack in the spirit. If anything, it has brought me blessings of space and freedom. As I’ve broken out of the pattern of compulsory scripture reading and the pressure to perform countless other church tasks, I’ve become more present, a more connected parent, and realize what I do doesn’t determine the quality of person I am. 

I’ve been able to discover and prioritize myself as I’ve had more room for my preferences. I’ve realized I can still be close to God, have spiritual promptings, access my intuition or inner compass, and feel good feelings.

I now have greater opportunity to read about different modes of spiritualities than before because of how much was demanded of me from my own faith tradition. Being trapped in Mormon scripture didn’t give me the time, space, or energy to explore the other wisdom practices or spiritual traditions that I found interest in.

I have more opportunities to read for fun — to get lost in stories that put me in a different world or that connect to my soul in unique ways.

I no longer feel shame in my day if I don’t follow a scrupulous routine. Along with this shift in reading practice, I am no longer bound by scrupulous prayer and other scrupulous box-checking on a day-by-day, week-by-week, and month-by-month basis.

This isn’t to say that time spent in the LDS scriptures can’t be beneficial. I can think of moments in my life of feeling close to God when reading the beautiful prose, inspiring stories, or encouraging charges in the scriptures. 

If I ever open any scriptures now, it’s from genuine desire and curiosity, rather than a heavy obligation. Like any religious text or great piece of literature, the scriptures are full of art and lessons. I’ve also come to learn that they aren’t infallible, and that has changed my experience with them as well. I can take everything I read with a grain of salt, knowing a human (a man, certainly) wrote it and that it’s okay if it doesn’t resonate with me. I no longer have to twist my heart and mind to make every single phrase right or to make it make sense.

While scriptures are imperfect, and the weight of my scrupulosity was real, God has met me in the scriptures. Since my routine has changed, God now meets me in fantasy books and poetry, in nature and exercise, in relaxed and mindful mornings, and in the deep breaths I take amid the loud and messy chaos of life.

Kandis loves to read, write, and be outside. She is a mom, a wife, and a friend. Read more of her words at momgenes.substack.com