This is the fifth in a series of guest posts on the topic of mixed faith marriages (MFM) from a variety of mental health professionals, coaches, podcasters, counselors and regular readers offering advice from their own experiences. Keep your eyes on the blog over the next few weeks for more great content, and feel free to submit your own essay to this series by emailing [email protected]. (Thanks! -Abby Maxwell Hansen)

Guest Post: Chris Rich is an active believing member of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints.  She and her husband have been married for 25 years and have 3 amazing kids.  Her husband and all 3 kids have stepped away from the church.  Chris is a certified life coach and mental health presenter.  She delights in helping members of the church thrive in their mixed faith relationships.  She is the host of The Mixed Faith Relationship Podcast.  You can find her at www.chrisrichcoaching.com or Instagram and Facebook at Chris Rich Coaching.

After my husband left the church, there was a lengthy period of time where I felt stuck.  I had all sorts of emotions that felt like they would never go away. I felt victimized, worried, disappointed, angry, overwhelmed, sad, and I was grieving.  Looking back, I realize the reason I was stuck was because I was spinning in what I call “dirty pain”.  Dirty pain feels terrible.  I was constantly blaming my husband, arguing with reality, identifying as a victim, and feeling entitled to the life I thought I was supposed to have. Dirty pain is like a hamster wheel.  You can spin and spin with no end in sight.  There is nothing wrong with dirty pain, it just keeps you in a stagnant funk. Our pain can make us bitter or better.  Dirty pain is very unlikely to make us better.  

Here are some examples of what dirty pain might sound like:  

• This shouldn’t be happening to me.
• He ruined our eternal family.
• I deserve better than this.
• She hurt me so I am going to hurt her back.
• The only way I will ever be happy is if they come back to church.
• It is all their fault.
• Etc.  

Clean pain is the alternative to dirty pain.  Clean pain is still painful, but it is the kind of pain that makes us better as we allow these difficult emotions to cleanse us.  Clean pain is more like the moving sidewalk at the airport.  It moves us forward from point A to point B.  Clean pain propels us forward into a better version of ourselves as we learn, grow, and improve along the way.  As we experience clean pain, we allow the atonement of Jesus Christ to work in our lives.

Here are some examples of what clean pain might sound like:

• This is sad, I wasn’t expecting this.
• It is hard to watch my spouse make that choice.
• I feel disappointed about having (alcohol, coffee, smoking, etc) in the home.
• I never planned on my partner having their name removed off church records. 
• Etc.

If you are wondering which kind of pain you are feeling ask yourself, “Is the pain I am feeling moving me forward or keeping me stuck?” If you would like to learn more about these 2 types of pain I go into more detail in this podcast episode.

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This post is part of a series about navigating Mixed Faith Marriages. Find more from this series here.