This is the sixth in a series of guest posts about being fat and female in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Please consider contributing your own post by emailing [email protected].
By: Angela G
These words are hard to write. I am 43, I am LDS, I am single, and I am fat. I don’t like saying I am fat. Sometimes I play mental gymnastics and say, “I have fat,” declaring that this isn’t something that defines me but an attribute I own, kind of like “I have a cold” or “I have brown hair.” Surely this isn’t the most important thing about me.
I want to believe we live in a world where we realize all bodies are different, and someone might be a gazelle while another is a harbor seal, and that’s okay. I want to believe that, in the words of Lindsay and Lexie Kite, my body is an instrument for my use and not an ornament to be admired. Being “pretty” isn’t the price I have to pay to occupy a space marked “female.” I want to believe I am valued for my heart and soul, not the package those things come in. After all, man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart – and we want to be more like the Lord, don’t we?
These are the things I want to believe.
I have grappled for most of my life with the mental and emotional weight that comes with a larger physical weight, and I decided decades ago that my looks were not my currency. Since adolescence, I’ve been more than happy to lean on my brain, humor, extroversion, optimism, positivity, and fun-loving nature. Over and over I tell myself, if there are 99 incredible things about me, and this one kind of sucky thing, I am still worthy and loveable and valuable, right?
I’m not able to look in the mirror and say this body is a gift from God. I’m not able to consider the parts that are the most ugly and be grateful for them. I live in the United States of America in 2024, and bodies like mine are not celebrated or desired.
I am reminded of this, over and over again, in my current social status as a single woman. I did marry at 22 to a man I met at BYU, to whom I apologized before our wedding night that I didn’t “look like a Victoria’s Secret model.” My weight, among other things, was a source of criticism for most of our marriage, and we divorced after 12 years and two kids. Then I was thrown onto what we affectionately call “the island of misfit toys,” where men and women in their 30s and 40s are single and part of the fun is figuring out why.
We all have a story, and I can’t help but think how my weight is affecting mine.
Perhaps you might read some of this as a blanket generalization on dating. Maybe it is. But it is also commentary on what it means to be “attractive” as an LDS person. Time and again, a “sweet spirit” hasn’t gotten me very far.
Here are some of the conversations I’ve had over the last nine years with LDS singles:
- One man told me it was important I have skinny friends and not just fat friends. It’s social suicide, he said, for larger women to only want to be around each other. Skinny women are social currency, and large women need them.
- One man on the Mutual subreddit arrogantly declared women were clueless not to realize “what a massive dealbreaker being overweight is.”
- One man said his father taught him the most important thing in a marriage was that every day he could wake up and look over at his wife and be attracted to her. I thought, this is what your dad taught you? Attraction is the most important thing? Every day? What if she has the flu? Or is leaking breastmilk on the bed? Or is fighting cancer? Even then?
- One man explained that attraction was what he felt when a woman walked into a room. I said, “What if she opens her mouth and she’s clueless and ditzy and rude?” He replied, “That’s why I go on a lot of first dates but not a lot of second dates.” I followed up, “What if a woman walks into a room and you’re not immediately attracted to her, but she opens her mouth and she’s smart and funny and interesting?” He responded, “We will only ever be friends.” To this man, no amount of personality could make up for a lack of physical attractiveness.
- One man online told me he only needed a small bit of personality in a woman and her looks made up the difference. I responded that perhaps the opposite was true for many women: we just need something cute to work with, and then positivity, humor, romance, whatever, seals the deal. He agreed with me but offered no sympathy for the double standard. Again, it was reinforced personality cannot make up for a lack of physical attractiveness.
- One man met a woman online who lived a few states away and was quite enamored with her. They talked for quite awhile before meeting in person. I was surprised at how bothered he seemed when he said she was 20 or so pounds heavier than he thought she was. I reminded him, “Didn’t you said this woman was amazing? What’s the big deal?” He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Guys like skinny bitches.”
- One man told me repeatedly that I was sexy, but when I asked what exactly was sexy about me, he got defensive. “Can’t you just believe me when I say you’re sexy?” Surely he could have said my eyes or my smile or my hair? He couldn’t easily point out anything, and that felt odd to me. (Maybe as a “words of affirmation” person, I am asking too much of the men I date.)
- I’ve lost track of how many men, when asked what they’re “looking for,” claim they only want a woman who keeps her covenants, loves the Lord, loves her family, etc., all the generic “spiritual” requirements. I challenge these men. “At last Sunday’s single adult fireside was a room full of single women who love the Lord, have temple recommends, and love their families. Why aren’t you asking every single one of them out?” They look at me like I’m crazy.
- A woman told me she read a book that explained a man’s “ticket to dance” is his money, and a woman’s “ticket to dance” is her looks. I went to a wedding with this friend, and she had a protein bar instead of wedding cake. There is a ton more to say about how this is a disservice to both men and women trying to date… but yet, I live this. I literally go to single adult dances and watch beautiful women get asked to dance while I awkwardly get a drink of water.
- I am friends with an attractive (“skinny”) woman. In one night, two men got her phone number right in front of me. There have been not one, not two, but three men who have called me while dating her to complain, ask for advice, and confide in me. I finally realized that I was the “DUFF,” the “designated ugly fat friend.”
I try hard not to resent other women for being beautiful. It’s not their fault I have extra weight or we live in a world where they are the clear winners. The worst part, I think, is that these lovely women walk into a church dance or Sunday fireside and are automatically a potential love interest. I don’t have that luxury; it isn’t automatic for me. I have to earn the opportunity to be romantic potential. And sometimes, even then, I feel like a man is doing me a favor by considering me, with all the other options out there.
Another hard part about all of this was recently discussed on this very blog. When I consider LDS theology, I find it extremely unfair that my eternal exaltation is contingent on someone else’s decision to choose me. Yes, I get a choice here, thankfully, but if this doctrine is true, I am only half of the equation. If “salvation is an individual thing and exaltation is a family thing,” my path to heaven is only possible by an alleged knight in shining armor exercising his agency, which I obviously have no control over. This depresses me.
My therapist hears all about this. I worry I’m simply not pretty enough to have the relationship I want. I worry I don’t deserve it. I worry I actually have a type of reverse body dysmorphia, where I think I’m prettier than I actually am. And lastly, I worry about the “scarcity mindset,” which is where I am trying to find someone who is LDS (already tough to do in my metro area), who sees the world the way I do (a bit left of center, prefer life outside of Utah), AND is attracted to me. It feels impossible.
One last story. I was at a pool party. I was in a swimsuit but conscious of my every move, lest my stomach be too roll-y or my arms be too flappy or my legs be too chunky. A man my age whipped off his shirt, showing a round hairy stomach and tan lines, and executed a killer belly flop. Everyone laughed. I laughed. He was a star. And hours later, I was seething in a spiral as I tried to fall asleep. This man is ALLOWED to be fat, he is ALLOWED to exist in this world as he is, and his body is OK and acceptable AS IS, even celebrated!, but mine is not. Everyone loves him. Women have crushes on him. Hell, I have a crush on him. But for me, this is not allowed. My body does not fit.
Sometimes I try to lose weight. Sometimes I don’t. Those are tales for a whole separate blog post. For now, I go on dates, I go to singles activities, I’m on all the apps. I flirt, I kiss, I cry. Some days I feel so much hope, and other days I feel none. I work on my relationship with my body and my understanding of divine creation, of agency, of human love. Again, I am not sure how my weight is affecting my story… but I do know my story is still being written. This is my reality, and I am living it.
Angela G loves any opportunity to be creative. She is a big fan of cats and dogs, book clubs, Taylor Swift, D&C 78:18, and the occasional memorable yet expensive family adventure. She lives in the Pacific Northwest but will always call the East Coast home.
***The Exponent blog welcomes guest submissions. Learn more about our post guidelines and the submission form on our guest post submission page***
17 Responses
I loved this post and I savored every part. Great writing! I’ve had the experience of male friends in their 30s telling me how LDS family pressured them to lower their expectations and just accept they will need to marry someone fat. I was really disturbed by how everything in these situations was so objectifying to women. I love all the info. you gathered here about male expectations, thoughts, misogyny. It’s valuable. You can see that many men haven’t been taught/conditioned to valuable high quality, emotionally intimate and equal relationships. I was fascinated to read somewhere that one reason why the beauty ideal of having a skinny woman on your arm emerged is because it was a way for powerful and wealthy men to signal that they could hack it all on their own. They didn’t need a fully partner. They could have someone wimpy with no meat on their bones who could stay home. The idea skinniness is better is just a patriarchal, economy driven, misogynistic construct.
That’s such an interesting concept that I somehow had never thought much of – the men who want ONLY a skinny hot woman don’t want a full partner. They just want someone to make them look good and be nice to look at (and have sex with). They’re insecure in their own manhood and need to prove to everyone how hot of a woman is interested in them.
A man who is fully mature and developed and wants a real partner would be totally comfortable choosing a woman who doesn’t fit his society and religion’s definition of beautiful. He wouldn’t care if she matched what everyone else thought she should look like – he’d just pick the human being he most connected with and loved being around.
Anyway, good comment and GREAT POST, Angela!
These are the points I am thinking on as well. How ignorant to want and think such a shallow relationship will last and be fulfilling.
Thank you for your comment on the article! I’m with Abby, this is not something I had considered but it makes so much sense. In this way, it denigrates women regardless of what they look like… slender women are not seen as equals, yet neither are larger women seen as equals. We lose either way. “Just accept you will need to marry someone fat” is also a huge gut punch. Like we are the leftovers. I hate how that feels.
This is a super thought-provoking article. Thank you for sharing it.
This post resonated with me–I’ve had so many of those same thoughts. I truly do love my body and all that it can do–and I also struggle when I look in the mirror and put on clothes and step on the scale and see how heavy I am and wish that I weren’t and I hate that my body looks the way it does. And I’m trying to separate wanting to weigh less because it would be easier for me to run, one of my favorite things, if I’m not carrying around that weight, and wanting look better for me and wanting to look better for other people and wanting to be fine with how I am. It is constant, and it is exhausting.
I struggle with this, too, all the time. Do I lose weight for me, since I am the one living in this body, or am I actually doing it for other people’s approval? And if it’s just me, I mean I also really like chocolate bars and donuts, so maybe I just accept myself? I can talk myself in circles about this. As you say, it is constant. Thank you for the comment.
I am increasingly amazed to realize how many men don’t like women. They may love them or lust after them, but really don’t like them in general. Once you start seeing it, it’s everywhere. Thank you for this beautiful article and insights to your life. As a fat woman myself, I really identify with and appreciate what you say. You are perfect as you are!!
Have you read this article: https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/men-who-like-women
It’s come up a bunch of different places, including my book club group chat and a podcast totally unrelated to Mormonism, and it just seems very on brand for a lot of these men. They are sexually attracted to women, sure, but they don’t actually like women.
Yes yes yes
I did see this article! I would say it was a stunning truth!
Nice name! And thank you for the comment. I completely agree with you. I notice this so much among the singles. Some men will ignore me, some will use me (who is your friend? who will be at your party?), and others will actually talk to me about things that matter. Just being respectful and present doesn’t always mean romantic intent, but it’s nice to at least be treated like a human with a brain. I also saw that article about Glen Powell and it was super interesting.
First off, I am male, I am married (39 years). When we married we were 20, my wife weighed about 105 lbs. Eight children later she has increased that number by at least 50%. I don’t know her weight, she doesn’t tell me, and I don’t care. She has rosacea, which she thinks make her even less attractive.
Every night when I get into bed with her, and every morning when I kiss her goodbye as I leave for work – with her usually still sleeping – I am attracted to her. I am attracted to her because she is my wife. I was attracted when breast milk leaked, I have been attracted when she has been ill, pregnant, whatever. She is everything to me.
Now, if I lost her, and I was interested in dating, I have no idea what I would be looking for (the reality is I do not look at other women and think about being attracted to them – I might questioned their choices (clothes, tatoos, hair, etc.) as I am not looking for anyone. And, I really can’t see that I would be looking for anyone, I an 59 today, the very idea of having to try to share my life with someone other than my wife is something I can’t comprehend.
As for your being the DUFF. Assuming the posted photos are of you, let me tell you as the father of six daughters of various shapes and sizes, some married with children and some not, you are not ugly. And whilst you are clearly not skinny, you are not very fat either.
Dear anonymous,
I don’t think your comment comes off as well as you’re hoping. Bragging that you can still love your wife even though she’s 150 pounds and in her 50s? Uh, she still weighs drastically less than probably 95% of the women around you, and likely less than 99% of the women her age. She is thin…. and gaining 50 lbs after 40 years and 8 kids is barely a blip on the scale.
You say you’re attracted to her “because she is [your] wife.” Sounds like a weird sense of ownership. What if you loved her because she’s incredible, powerful, amazing, intelligent, kind, etc. and not because she’s attached to you by a legal bond?
Furthermore, commenting that the author of this article is “not very fat” shows that you’ve got a pretty blind eye to the subject matter. Even in a blog article about being fat and Mormon, I doubt she was looking for comments on her body. And trying to say she’s “not ugly” and “not very fat” are completely unsolicited.
Try again.
Touche’.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m in my forties as well and recently joined mutual the dating app. I hate it. I’ve had much better experience on regular dating apps. Beyond the focus on appearances, I feel like I have less of a chance with a member of the church who doesn’t want someone nuanced as well.
Something I didn’t get a chance to include in this article (maybe in a future one) is that there have definitely been non-LDS men who seem to care a lot less about my body type – and some of my friends have had similar experiences. These men are more feminist, open-minded, accepting, and nonjudgmental. I am not treated like property. I am always so nervous meeting a man off an app, even though I do include representative photos. Good luck out there.