Chad and Lori Daybell, Jodi Hildebrandt, Ruby Franke, Sterling Van Wagenen all had temple recommends
Chad and Lori Daybell, Jodi Hildebrandt, Ruby Franke, Sterling Van Wagenen all had temple recommends
Picture of Abby Maxwell Hansen
Abby Maxwell Hansen
Abby (she/her/hers) has lived in Utah her entire life and is the mom of three kids. Some of her proudest moments include participating with Ordain Women, advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, founding her girl scout troop, and being vocal about women's issues in the LDS church.

Does a Temple Recommend Mean You’re a Good Person? (Nope, So Stop Worrying About It.)

Have you ever felt bad (or had someone try to make you feel bad) for not having a current temple recommend? I’m sorry if that’s ever happened to you, especially because I don’t think your temple recommend status has anything to do with what kind of a person you are.

Chad and Lori Daybell both had active temple recommends when they committed their murders. They’d attend the temple together before each killing. Incarcerated Jodi Hildebrandt attended the temple and received a blessing from the St. George temple president while simultaneously abusing children in her basement dungeon with fellow abuser Ruby Franke. Sterling Van Wagenen, the director of the set of temple movies still in rotation in 2019, was arrested for sexual abuse of children, so the church had to pull those films and replace them with a slideshow.

I think a temple recommend has little to do with a person’s character, and everything to do with how well they conform to rules and/or lie to their leaders.

Here’s a list of people who have been denied a recommend:

  • -A caring mother in Texas who wears a tank top in the summer. 
  • -A widower in a nursing home who spent his life in church service but can’t afford to pay tithing on his small social security check.
  • -A pediatric nurse who drinks coffee to stay awake on long overnight shifts caring for sick children.
  • -A firefighter who risks his life to save strangers’ lives, but views adult content on the internet.
  • -A woman with three callings, fully active, a near perfect visiting teaching record, who publicly said on Facebook she supported women getting the priesthood (okay, that one was me).

Here’s a list of people who passed the temple recommend questions with flying colors:

  • -A racist woman who treats minorities at her work like second class citizens but wears the right underwear.
  • -A misogynistic man who treats his wife like a personal slave but only drinks herbal tea.
  • -An ex-husband who gets out of paying child support by remaining purposefully unemployed but pays tithing.
  • -A mean woman who gossips and lies about the people in her ward, but believes Joseph Smith was a prophet.
  • -Senior church leaders who ran a multi-decade illegal scheme to conceal the massive wealth of the church from members but sustain their Priesthood leaders (which is themselves).

Some of the worst humans I have ever encountered held a temple recommend for decades, while some of the kindest and most caring people couldn’t qualify. Once I was sitting in a temple session and looked around the room. It occurred to me that I wasn’t with the most Christ-like people on earth – rather I was with the people who were willing to jump through the most hoops and follow the most rules (including myself!).

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with choosing to follow the necessary rules to obtain a temple recommend. Don’t drink coffee, wear garments, pay tithing, attend church meetings – no problem! Those are not things that harm anyone else.

Just please don’t assume that your recommend makes you morally superior to someone else who donates ten percent of their income to a food pantry instead of the church and takes their grandkids to see a movie on Sunday.
If you happen to think that God favors you over them, I think you’ll be disappointed someday to find out how wrong you are.

*****
For me personally, there was a moment in the spring of 2014 when I realized exactly how little a temple recommend had to do with a person’s worthiness or their relationship with God. My temple recommend had been taken away at the end of 2013 when my bishop disapproved of my profile on the Ordain Women website. A few months later, a new bishop took his place and offered my recommend back, saying he felt I was worthy of it. (Thanks, second bishop!)

My worthiness hadn’t changed at all, only the man assigned to give me the recommend had. Sometimes a temple recommend is just a tool in the arsenal of a priesthood leader to control someone’s behavior. Following my own conscience over my bishop’s demands is something I remain very proud of myself for. (And to those who choose to give in to a leader’s demands in order to keep your recommend – I don’t blame you at all! This is an impossible system.)

Abby (she/her/hers) has lived in Utah her entire life and is the mom of three kids. Some of her proudest moments include participating with Ordain Women, advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, founding her girl scout troop, and being vocal about women's issues in the LDS church.

14 Responses

  1. Problem is some cant see a cild or grandchild married in the Temple – then you are really judged by your family

    1. That is an absolutely valid issue, and something I experienced when I got married and couldn’t have family there.

      However, I’ve heard people express their desire to get right with God by becoming temple worthy – not by repairing broken relationships or working on personal growth – but by wearing the right clothing, drinking the right beverages, and paying enough money directly to the church. I don’t think that’s really what a divine creator is most worried about.

      Likewise I’ve seen people lulled into false security because a person they’ve just met holds a current recommend – even getting engaged to or investing their life savings with that person because they believe “temple worthy” means they’re a good person.

      There are rules you have to follow to attend the temple, and that’s the prerogative of the church to mandate. I just want or culture to step away from the false idea that temple attendance equals morality.

    2. Patricia, I hear you and will soon enough be that parent by choice.

      I and my wife were that couple who invited our family, her’s travelled from the UK and mine a 10 hour drive from northern CA to our wedding at the San Diego temple back in 1999. We then “kindly” asked them to wait outside and be available for the obligatory family photos to help the day be “perfect”. We caused so much hurt. We did a civil type ceremony in our back yard with the Bishop ‘marrying’ us but the damage was done. They knew is was a fake. We were the subject of many conversations we were not a part of sadly. THEN, this same amazing family willingly attended our daughter’s wedding at the Salt Lake temple in 2014 to, AGAIN, be ‘kindly’ asked to wait outside for the obligatory pics.

      I’ve recently did the apology tour with all of my family for the hurt and division that caused. We’re all in a good place now.

  2. Thank you for this article! I have had thoughts like this for quite some time and it makes me resent even going to the temple. I am conflicted about letting my recommend go because of family weddings I don’t want to miss. But I fail to see the point of spending as much time as possible in the temple when it obviously doesn’t produce better people, as you have so eloquently pointed out.

  3. I made a personal choice not to go through those recommend questions again – not because I don’t think I’m still worthy. It’s more for ethical reasons about not believing some of those statements and being able to give strictly yes/no answers. I know it’s going to get awkward as I’ve now missed a grandson’s endowment and there will probably be a granddaughter’s wedding this year.. I know it will sting a bit but other people’s judgment is on them and I’m not going to miss actual temple attendance.

  4. I saw the first half of this subject line in my inbox and had a visceral negative reaction, even though the essay went exactly the way I expected it to. 🙂 Temple recommends, and the ordinances within, are so often used as a measure of righteousness. I remember having a conversation once with an older woman (possibly in the temple when I was a temple worker) in which she wistfully shared that she knew a woman with 12 children who were all married in the temple and wasn’t that so incredible and what a good family they were. It bothered me then, though I didn’t put it into words. It bothers me a lot more now–is my family less righteous, is my mother less righteous, because only one of our children married in the temple? And the thing is, many people would say yes. (In our defense, none of us married outside the temple yet–we just aren’t married.)

    I had a friend who was not active for a long time and she was coming back and wanted to go to the temple, and she couldn’t get a recommend because she was behind on her tithing. The member of the stake presidency who interviewed told her she could write a check to cover that back tithing and be good. She told me she looked at him and said, “That feels an awful lot like I’d be buying my way into the temple.” And it’s true! And super icky. And the thing is, if the temple is the pinnacle of our spiritual life on Earth, the church should be bending over backwards to get people inside.

    1. I have to say, the idea that someone is more righteous because their children made better choices then other peoples’ did is ridiculous. One third of Our Heavenly Parents’ children chose not to follow the Plan. I wonder if there are Heavenly Parents out that with a 100% record?
      There are Apostles with children who have left the Church, and even openly attacked it.
      Likewise there are children (Elder Alan T. Phillips for example) whose parents have left and attacked the church.
      Personal Worthiness – whether backed up by a TR, or not – is just that. It has nothing to do with the actions of parents, spouses, children, or anyone else.

      1. THIS. I hate whenever says that if you have a temple recommend that guarantees your children will be righteous or make the right choice. My bishop at the time told my husband and me this when we went for help when our teen son was having issues. Nothing else. Oh, and he gave us a general conference talk. I still struggle with this one even though I know it’s my son’s choice on whether or not he stays in the church or makes choices I don’t agree with. But yeah, it’s hard when you go to church and have people at church praise parents for their kiddos going on missions and being ‘good’ members and not saying anything to the rest of us when our kiddos don’t. Or have a leader blame us for when our children drop out.

  5. My son, his wife, and baby, were sealed this December. My husband and I do not have temple recommends due to changing beliefs, and inactivity. The thought struck me as I was sitting in the waiting room of the temple, waiting for their sealing to be over. Families are forever, but only the right kind of families? The ones who “appear” to be worthy., but may not actually be worthy. I love and support my children. As a family we were foster parents for 5 years and my children loved and embraced every child that spent time on our home.. My children love and support each other., We are kind, we talk about God and Jesus regularly., but I just don’t check all the right boxes for a recommend. So in the eyes of the church we aren’t the “right kind of family” that gets the blessing of spending eternity together. I’d like to think God might have a different opinion than the church..

    I can now answer the last question with more confidence than I ever have in my life, because my changing beliefs have allowed me to let go of guilt, and self-loathing. I consider myself worthy to enter the temple, but a stranger who has never met me (stake presidency) gets to ultimately decide that for me? It really is a strange concept, letting a stranger determine our “ worthiness,” based on a checklist.

  6. Brilliant essay! Thank you! The only neighbors we have had who have shown us kindness have been non-temple recommend-holding ones. Wherever heaven is, I want to live by them.

  7. Temple recommends make pretty good liars, so there’s that. Since we’ve all participated in loud laughter we’re in Satan’s power anyway.🤷‍♀️

  8. My uncle, who worked in a bank in Utah, told me he would have temple cardholders try to use their recommends to get loans and get upset when my uncle told them no. They would say that the recommend proved their honesty.

    I had a stake counselor almost refuse to sign my recommend after I shared I drank herbal tea. He told me it didn’t matter if it didn’t have caffeine but rather me not being obedient to the WoW. Another uncle of mine was denied a recommend after it was found he drank Pepsi to help with his debilitating migraines.

    There needs to be more consistency. Or like my one family member told me, “Don’t volunteer info. Just answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and leave it at that.” Plus, I figure it’s up to God and me on the WoW. But that’ s just my opinion.

    1. I have rental properties, and years ago an applicant said, “I can show you my temple recommend, too!”, as a way to prove he’d be a good tenant. Instant red flags went off on my head, like he might be trying to scam me. It was so funny that my gut feeling with a temple recommend was to NOT trust the holder, rather than the other way around!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Our Comment Policy

  • No ads or plugs.
  • No four-letter words that wouldn’t be allowed on television.
  • No mudslinging: Stating disagreement is fine — even strong disagreement, but no personal attacks or name calling. No personal insults.
  • Try to stick with your personal experiences, ideas, and interpretations. This is not the place to question another’s personal righteousness, to call people to repentance, or to disrespectfully refute people’s personal religious beliefs.
  • No sockpuppetry. You may not post a variety of comments under different monikers.

Note: Comments that include hyperlinks will be held in the moderation queue for approval (to filter out obvious spam). Comments with email addresses may also be held in the moderation queue.

Write for Us

We want to hear your perspective! Write for Exponent II Blog by submitting a post here.

Support Mormon Feminism

Our blog content is always free, but our hosting fees are not. Please support us.

related Blog posts

Never miss A blog post

Sign up and be the first to be alerted when new blog posts go live!

Loading

* We will never sell your email address, and you can unsubscribe at any time (not that you’ll want to).​