Last summer my family and the bishop squeezed into the small ward clerk’s office so that my daughters could be set apart for their callings in Young Women’s. After the first one was blessed, she sat in the chair looking for direction on what to do next. The tradition that I grew up with was that after a blessing you would shake hands with all the men in the prayer circle and maybe hug your dad. Pandemic isolation meant that my daughters didn’t know this tradition. Instead of the handshakes, the bishop directed my daughters to give me a hug. He said something like: “We couldn’t do church work without mothers”. I appreciated this gesture and the hugs. It was so much better than just being there watching. And yet…the Young Women leaders, the women supposedly given the power and authority to run the Young Women organization to which my daughters were called, didn’t even need to be in the room to witness.
I substitute taught in Relief Society a few months ago. We happened to have a new Relief Society president sustained in Sacrament meeting that day. I knew that the bishop would be coming in to set her apart at some time during my lesson. I’m an experienced teacher and I can roll with interruptions. However, not all lessons can be interrupted at all points. I thought the bishop would come near the beginning of my lesson, but he didn’t show up. I thought maybe he’d forgotten. He ended up poking his head in the door at the peak of my lesson: I had just created a space for sisters to safely share vulnerable stories so that we could mourn with those who mourn. I shook my head ‘no’, and the not-yet-set-apart president stepped out to tell him to come back later. Getting to that point in my lesson required planning with a specific goal in mind. An interruption there would have broken the emotional synchronicity I’d created in the class. There is nothing built in to the setting apart ceremony that creates a similar synchronicity, but the ritual could be more powerful if it did. Currently, a setting apart typically happens either as an interruption during class time or when a bishopric member passes you in the hall and someone remembers that it’s supposed to be done.
I want the setting apart ritual to be a communal experience. I like when it’s supposed to be done during a meeting. This can create an opportunity for a shared, unifying experience during what can be an emotional transition for the community. However, that experience has to be created, just like the safe space in my lesson had to be created. Simply popping in whenever to complete the check boxes from the handbook doesn’t typically create that kind of space. It’s hard for, say, a Relief Society to plan such an experience because a setting apart is dependent on men who don’t typically attend the meeting and who often have other responsibilities elsewhere in the building.
Sister Dennis’s Relief Society Devotional talk got so many church members talking about women’s power and authority (or lack thereof) in the church. After her talk, I had a dream. In the dream, I was called to be a Relief Society teacher. I did not want to be set apart in the usual way, pulled aside in the hallway. I did not want the class interrupted by a man at some random time. I didn’t want the standard unidirectional hands-on-head setting apart. What did I want? I wanted there to be a ritual during the Relief Society meeting to mark my new responsibilities as a teacher. I wanted the whole of the meeting to be a space created by the Relief Society presidency. I wanted the Relief Society president to actually preside over the organization. (The current handbook lists the bishop first under the title “Relief Society Leaders”.) I wanted for the Relief Society president to use her own power and authority to make changes to the organization. In the dream, we chose to mark the occasion by what we called a dedication. I stood with the president at the front of the room. We faced each other, clasping forearms—hers on top, mine on bottom. She voiced her reasons for asking me to fill the role as teacher, as well as the direction she envisioned I would take our community. Then I voiced my hopes for what I would do and my willingness to dedicate a portion of my life to this pursuit. She accepted this dedication and said a blessing prayer.
It was such a beautiful dream. I love the idea of this ritual. I like that it makes a space for the leader to publicly explain why they are doing what they are doing. I like that the person being called is an active participant. The form of rituals matters. The form of this dedication is not top down; it invites participation as a peer. There is still “laying on of hands”, but it goes both ways. This form acknowledges the power of the person being called. There is still hierarchy because the leader’s hands are on top, but the two people’s arms have nearly equal positions. This ritual would allow both participants to see and honor each other’s priesthood power. It would be incredible to see female leaders authoritatively set apart or dedicate people to serve in their organization. That’s not currently handbook approved. While this ritual is not enumerated in the handbook, I see no reason why it couldn’t be done right now, in addition to the current setting apart from the men. It would just take women ready to use their power to create a communal spiritual experience.
11 Responses
Gorgeous post:)
Such a beautiful image. Thanks for sharing.
That is beautiful and I’d love to see that as part of the setting apart process. I recently heard, and I’m going to try To find the source for you, That women don’t have priest power, just God’s power. Since the actual restoration of priesthood is pretty sketchy in church history, I’m happy To claim God’s power. Let’s use it. No asking for permission, because there’s no reason to ask. If we are to be creating a Zion society it is our responsibility to bring the beauty of God‘s power To make it happen.
I’d be interested in that source if you find it.
Wow, I would love for something like that instead of the current male centric hierarchy heavy dictated type of experience where it is all about when it is convenient for the male doing the setting apart and is something done to a passive recipient of the person with the calling. It is now an interruption and an after thought, instead of something of meaning and priority.
The idea that it would be a ritual ‘done with’ instead of ‘done to’ is such a powerful difference.
These are really good points about how setting apart experiences can disrupt things. I appreciate this story about you telling the bishop to come back later. I love the idea of women and all members having rituals in which we express our spiritual desires and intentions and visions in church. This would enrich church so much.
Sometimes setting apart blessings have been very inspiring to me. Other times they have caused me a lot of dissonance. I had one setting apart that promised me enjoyment, but it turned out I was at the wrong point in my life to have that particular calling, I wasn’t supported, and the calling ended up bringing me suffering. I recently declined a setting apart because I knew I would be asking to be released soon and I didn’t have positive feelings with the people assigned to give me the blessing. Setting apart rituals bring their own hairy consent issues. Sometimes I wish we could choose who set us apart. Is it required to be set apart? While the purpose is to bless and guide, sometimes I don’t want someone else’s inspiration about my roles to be imposed on me.
I like that you bring up consent with a ritual that requires touching. I appreciate that during prayer circles in the temple it should only be done with people who have good feelings towards all others in the circle. It would be nice if there was always a choice about who performs a setting apart.
When I was writing this, my husband and I were discussing the idea that maybe people could choose between having a calling called a ‘calling’ or an ‘assignment’. A calling could be where the leader and the individual both feel like this is how God wants them to spend their time and comes with a setting apart ceremony. An assignment could be where the leader and the individual both recognize that sometimes Primary needs another teacher and the individual is willing to volunteer their time there, no setting apart is necessary. Perhaps there could be a list of jobs a person could choose from to volunteer.
Once I was set apart by a man who I wasn’t even sure what his name was. We were newer in the ward and I’d never had a conversation with him before. He talked a bit to my husband before I was set apart, but not to me. It felt very much like in, out, and done. I guess I could have invited more of a conversation, but the power dynamics of having to teach men who claim some sort of authority over me is part of what makes church so exhausting.
At one point, I “called myself” to nursery and managed to avoid being officially called by the church leadership for about a year or so. My youngest was about 16 months old then, so it was in part for her as well as myself.
I wanted to see if there was any difference in having a calling with or without the priesthood authority “blessing” that decision. I had actually been a nursery leader before.
My conclusion is that the biggest difference is in the story that I told myself about the calling. Because I “called myself” the 2nd time, I owned the decision and my feelings/thoughts around it differently. I don’t know if it would have made a difference had it been a more people-forward calling or if other factors impacted it.
I agree and wish that women had more recognition and respect in the calling and setting apart process. I had long wondered if the setting aparts are necessary for me as I have always felt that I will be blessed and supported for my willingness to serve and love, regardless of hands placed on my head or not. And then I served in a stake RS presidency for 14 months in 2022-23, never being set apart (I didn’t refuse, they just never got to it)…and I was blessed and supported and felt inspiration and love for the women I served. So, for me at least, it can come from God without intermediary men. (And, ironically, the stake president did call me in for a visit to release me…they remembered that part.)
I like the idea because it connects leaders who work together. It would also allow men to express their feelings in an acceptable manner which is hard to do these days. And it gives women another opportunity for expression. It’s not expressly prohibited, so just do it. Ask for forgiveness or understanding later if you have to.