There’s a common saying that many of us teach to younger women: “A man is not a financial plan.” Meaning, a woman needs to be able to take care of herself, in some fashion, because she can’t and shouldn’t rely on having a man to take care of her. He may die or divorce her. He may not be able to support a family alone. He may never even show up in the first place.
Along those same lines, too many people’s retirement plans involve moving in with their children or involve the expectation that children (daughters, really) will become caregivers in or out of the home in old age or will be the ones providing the emotional labor of selecting and arranging for a nursing home if that becomes necessary.
As I’m approaching middle age without the children I wanted to have, I’m faced with the reality that I need to figure out what will happen to me when I can’t take care of myself anymore. Even if I do get a chance to have children, I don’t want to burden them with the need to care for me while they’re also trying to take care of themselves and possibly their own children. A child is not a retirement plan.
Realistically, I probably have at least 50 more years left on this earth. My family lives long. I have 27 years left before I can collect my full pension from my job (and I thank my lucky stars I even have one; until I started my current job 3 years ago, I was planning on having to work until the day I died). I don’t know how many of those years will be spent in good health and how many will be spent in poor health. And society doesn’t have conversations for what happens to unmarried and/or childless people. I have no nieces or nephews, which is the oft-touted “solution” to childlessness in the church.
I joined AARP a couple of months ago because a friend recommended it to me for the discounts on restaurants and such. You don’t have to be retired or even close to retirement age to join; anyone can. The book section recommended several books on aging alone. I have a few on order and I’m going to get to reading once they arrive. Hopefully I’ll be able to get some useful information there.
In a society where many people do not have a partner or a child, there needs to be more of a conversation on how to plan for the eventuality of incapacity. Even people who do have children need to plan for what to do. There’s no guarantee that one’s adult children will be able to provide assistance.
Maybe once I figure out a few answers, I can propose a fifth Sunday lesson topic or a weeknight Relief Society meeting. What plans do you all have for old age? I’m open to ideas!
12 Responses
I just read the book Being Mortal by Atul Gawande and it is such a good read about end of life decisions and the choices that need to be made. He is a surgeon and you would think he would be prepared to have all of the difficult conversations, but he found that we all avoid these discussions, and we are not very good at communicating our end of life wishes. I was worried it would be a slog, but he uses quite a few compelling and personal stories about different kinds of situations (aging, terminal illness, and even opting out). I feel like everyone should be required to read this book and have discussions with their loved ones.
Your blog is a good reminder to me that I don’t want to place a burden on my daughters. It’s difficult though, because I did what I thought was the right thing and was a stay at home mom for so many years – I only recently started contributing to our retirement nest egg. It’s really discouraging, and I don’t know that paying tithing all these years and not working has set us up for a successful retirement. I have 10 years left to try and build something that I should have been building for more than 30 years, and it is a little scary. I honestly feel bad I placed the burden solely on my husband by living on one income, and expecting him to take care of both of us through retirement. I htink I believed that if I did the “righteous” thing, the money would come rolling in – you know – a transaction! There simply isn’t enough, and I’m scrambling and desperate to make up for those years.
I’m grateful my girls have a different attitude about working and I think they’ll be set up to prepare earlier. I truly hope I don’t have to rely on them, but it feels my efforts are a little too little, and a little too late.
Thanks for the book recommendation! I’ll have to check it out.
We counted on my husband’s Military Retirement and Social Security and some small savings to live on in retirement. I was one of those (stupid to ignore red flags and sexist norms) women who stayed home full-time to care for out three children, but who would often work part-time jobs with low pay and no benefits to help make ends meet. I am ashamed of my earlier choices, as they made our lives harder than they ever needed to be. No wonder a younger generation of women have little respect for us and no understanding of the intense pressure to follow church directives. Now with MilRet and SocSec government benefits coming under Musk’s knife, and Trump’s cluelessness, we may find ourselves without purse or script. I wish I could have a do-over. Church norms are toxic for women and families, unless we’re in the top 1% of wealthy Americans.
It’s difficult when the fruits of following what we were taught to do don’t pan out. The patriarchy victimizes us all in one way or another.
I loved this essay, I’ve heard many time as I have aged.
A book that is more in depth than Being Mortal is, ELDERHOOD by Louise Aronson. She covers more than just retirement places. That was BM focus.
Elderhood steps you though all of the stages of going old. One of her patients had great plans but because of where she lived she couldn’t . It is a pretty hard, eye opening book.
Thanks for your book recommendation. I’ll have to check that one out!
Lots of Mormons, a surprising number, seem entirely ignorant of or actually unwilling to follow the principles of, healthy aging, all but guaranteeing. big problems in later years. Of course the kids will be expected to deal with the mess. News flash: avoiding cigarettes & bourbon while making a steady diet of donuts & prime rib is just nuts. Cut the saturated fats,, emphasize fresh veggies, drink green tea & join a gym. It’s not rocket science.
Okay, but lots of people develop very difficult health problems as they age even if they have been vigilant about the things you listed. There are no guarantees. Gym and eating well are not a plan for handling later life caregiving needs should they arise.
I disagree that “ Gym and eating well are not a plan for handling later life caregiving needs should they arise.” Especially the gym, if it’s not 100% the plan, it is imho 100% a necessary part of the plan and for a significant number of people is the plan.
I have a friend with a non compliant diabetic brother who just received an above the knee amputation, making him a double amputee in his 40’s. I have a dad in his 70’s who eats the worst fast food every day despite failing a heart stress test. Even I in my 40’s feel the anti aging effects of the gym. Maybe check out the Instagram account Granny Guns, but I think it’s really hard to overstate the value of regular targeted physical exercise and good diet for good health as you age.
No matter who we are, or how healthy we are, no matter what we save or what choices we make, somebody’s kids are going to take care of us when we get older. There is no shame in that. If it isn’t our own kids, it is employees in a nursing home or a hospital. It is neighbors who help us with lawn maintenance or invite us to Sunday dinner. The only way you can get out of needing care is by dying suddenly before you get to that point.
It is foolish to plan to do everything alone in retirement, nobody does that. Money can help, yes, but we also need to nurture a society that loves and cares for people, regardless of their contribution.
So maybe we shouldn’t hate on the women who stayed home and did the invisible work of caring for children and others. We need more caregivers right now, not fewer. And to everyone who commented that you regret your choices to raise your kids and serve your community instead of working and saving money, I hope you have plenty of caregivers step up when you need them because they were taught by you that this kind of service is important.
“Aging alone” is a term of art in the retirement space that refers to not having extended family available to assist. It doesn’t mean doing everything by oneself. It specifically involves cultivating community to fill in the gaps that family can’t fill. And nowhere in my post did I hate on women who stayed home. Just because I didn’t stay home doesn’t mean I judge those who did.
Oh, Trudy, I spoke too strongly. I didn’t think you were hating on anybody! I loved your post.
I did think that a lot of the comments implied that women who make the choice to not work and to instead give their years to child-rearing were making a mistake, and I wanted to say that they are also essential.
I hope you—and all of us—don’t have to age alone because everybody in society makes time and space for us as we age. All love, no hate.