Interview
Jane Christensen Speaks Out

Volume 23, No. 4

Jane Christensen teaches fourth graders at Manilla Elementary School and travels throughout northern Utah presenting workshops on parenting. Despite her busy schedule, she keeps track of her five children (myself, my three brothers, and my sister) and grandson while enjoying life with her new husband, Steve, and his daughters. Serious by nature, she has begun to wield her sense of humor valiantly in the face of the unpleasant. 

Several weeks ago, I called to see how a biopsy of a lump in one of her breasts had gone. She told me nothing of the biopsy results but greeted me triumphantly with a story. While waiting for the operation, she looked through a magazine and ran across a cartoon in which two guys on gurneys speak to each other in the hallway of a hospital. "There's a lot of confusion in the medical care world just now," says one to which the other replies, "That would explain my hysterectomy." Jane tore the cartoon out, reached under the flimsy hospital gown, and taped it on her breast. While she slipped beneath the general anesthesia, the doctors had a good laugh. 

I'm amazed that in this interview Jane takes no pains to cover the tensions within her own world-view. I think her low and subtle laugh helps her be honest about where she is. 

Z: I've had the good fortune of seeing you teach. It seems as though it's your calling. 

J: Yes. In my patriarchal blessing it actually says something about touching the lives of young people. I was about fourteen at the time of the blessing, but I already knew, based on instances where I'd been responsible for helping teach other children, that I liked teaching. And I liked going to school. 

Z: How long have you been a teacher? 

J: This is my fourth year as a certified teacher. Prior to that, I spent nine years as a teacher's aide, and I did daycare and taught in preschools off and on before that. 

Z: So you graduated in 1995. When did you start school? 

J: 1992. I was 41 years old.

Z: (I pause, had she really been 41? I push the surprise out of my eyes.) Any advantages to going to school at 4l? 

J: I was determined not to let the young kids beat me. I focused on my studies rather than on the social aspects of school. And I could read teachers better, meaning that I could understand quickly what each teacher was after. And, of course, life experience means something; it helps. I wasn't afraid to talk about anything. 

Z: What was the impetus for going back to school? 

J: (She laughs.) I'd been going to school on and off for years, taking a class here and there. But several things came together at once then: I got divorced; I realized I couldn't support the family; I'd put my husband through school and I realized that I could get through school, too. I felt a literal drive to get enrolled in classes that winter, but then reality hit. I was late registering for classes; I had no money but had just bought a bunch of sixty dollar books; I saw all the young students; I thought about the divorce and having five children and no money and why I hadn't gotten my degree before. I just felt the consequences of where I was. 

(She laughs again.) People comment that teachers are probably rewarded by just being able to help children. They think that's enough. When I chose teaching, I was also thinking about flexibility and family and time off. If I'd known then what I know now, I wouldn't have gone into it. There are so many demands on a teacher's time and resources, and of course compensation is poor. A dedicated teacher does not start and finish when the kids come and go. Teaching demands a lot of time and personal resources, money. 

Z: You spend your own money on your class? 

J: If I don't, I either go without the things I need for my teaching or I spend inordinate amounts of time trying to get through the school system's red tape to get the money. 

Z: Now you have a career, but it seems like you always worked. 

J: Yes, I almost always had some sort of job – jobs that didn't require longevity or commitment so I could work when I needed to. 

Z: Did you ever feel like the classic stay-at-home mother? 

J: No. Not even the few times when I didn't have to work. As a mother, I took my responsibilities very seriously, but looking back I see that I wasn't into my children's lives. 

I remember a very important moment in my thinking about how I was going to mother. I was driving from the bank where I worked to pick up my two kids to go home. I can picture the scenery I saw while I was thinking this. I felt I was going to have to make a decision. I thought, "This is so easy – to go to work. If I don't stay home soon, I'm not going to end up staying with the children." That frightened me because I felt that if I were able to stay at home, I would provide the nurture and the "homemade bread smell." So I made the decision to quit my job at the bank, and I started a preschool and was at home for about two years. 

Z: But you still worked. There wasn't really a time when you weren't doing something to earn money – whether working outside the house, doing preschool, or sewing. So you didn't really get the "stay-at-home" experience. Did you feel cheated? 

J: Well, yes. But looking back, I think that if I'd had a degree, I would've known I could fall back on it. So maybe it's good I didn't because then I definitely would have worked out of the home. I'm glad I stayed home as much as I did. If I had had a career, I may have left the kids earlier and for longer periods of time. Odd thought. However, when I left high school, college grads were everywhere without jobs, so we didn't think of college as being all that helpful. 

Z: You left the Church about the time of your divorce. Were your marriage and the Church specifically connected? 

J: Church leaders said, "Get married, do your calling, pay tithing, and all will be well in Zion." I eventually became disenchanted. How much "insurance" did I pay, how much guilt did I feel – and then I ended up divorced. Maybe I needed something to blame other than myself. 

Before the divorce, I wasn't unhappy with the Church, but I felt conflicted about it. The Church said "Stay home" but the budget and family needs said "Go out and work." I never remember thinking, "I'll go get a job because that's what I want to do." Anyway, I learned that I could do all the things Church leaders tell me and be 85-90% perfect, but I can't take away the agency of my spouse or change how he acts. That was when the concept of agency began to sink in. It took awhile. 

Z: So how do you feel about the Church now? 

J: I lived according to the Church model and I didn't get "happy-ever-after," which is what I felt I'd been promised. So I'll try a different way. 

Z: Do you still wait for "happy-ever-after'? 

J: (Laughs.) I have to create it. And the gospel (I make a distinction between the Church and the gospel) helps me create my story, my "happy-ever-after." I was always taught that women answered to their husbands, but I now feel that I am responsible to Christ myself. Love and the gospel are synonymous for me, and I don't need to sit in a church meeting to know love. Help us if we have to go to a meeting to have somebody else outline love for us. Love is a natural gift. 

Some might call that a cop-out, but that's where I am. And I'm so glad to be here. I just presented at a Relief Society meeting, and as I looked into the faces of the women, I saw where I'd been – all this guilt of "I’m here, but I'd rather be somewhere else. I have my own ideas and feelings of what I should do, but I'm here following someone else's outline." 

Z: Tell me about some of the themes in your life. 

J: I felt overly responsible for everything after having kids – altogether too serious. When I started to allow myself mistakes, I got happier. Now I equate mistakes with opportunities for growth. 

Another thing: All those years growing up and then raising kids and singing "I Am a Child of God," I always attached it to the earthly realm and thought that it was a song just for children. As a forty-eight-year-old adult, I've realized that I’m still God's child, and as a child I'm allowed growth and practice and mistakes, just as we constantly allow children their learning. That's been important for me. God's not done with me, and I'm not done with him. So, I'm easier on myself and therefore light-hearted – and therefore I tend to do better. 

Another thing that I think about is the fact that God obeys physical laws. There may be a few things that we don't think of as physical laws that maybe we should, such as, "What I think about, I bring about." For example, how my negativity towards others comes back to me. What I put out comes back – that feels like a physical law. 

Finally, I know that one day I'll meet Christ. One night, I was driving in the rain, and I was in turmoil. I felt a page drop in front of my eyes, and the Spirit said that only I can write my pages. Nobody's going to write in my book, and I can't use someone else's outline. 

Z: What does it look like? 

J: Here's where I get to use my agency. I trust that God created me and that pieces of God are imbued in me, so god-like things can come out of me. But I don’t know if I want to fully recognize that one yet. (She laughs again.) It would require too much responsibility. I have wondered about the notion that accepting that we can be god-like is more difficult than simply smiling over it at Sunday School the way we do a casserole at homemaking meeting and saying, "Umm, that smells good," without any intention of eating any. If we really believe that we can be god-like, that belief binds us to action. 

After my mom's second marriage ended, she shared with me a short and simple book she had written for herself. It went something like this (one can easily fill in the missing chapters): "Chapter 1: I was walking down the street. I fell into a hole, It was hard to get out. Chapter 4: I was walking down the street. I saw the hole. I fell in anyway. It was hard to get out. Chapter 8: I was walking down the street. I saw the hole. I went around the hole and came to another street. . . ." 

She's several streets along now, and I'm looking forward to hearing about the one she comes to next.

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