Things That Keep Me Awake at Night

Jennifer Haraguchi
Volume 23, No. 3

I enjoy watching people's reactions when I tell them I'm pregnant. Following my announcement at a family party, my parents and four prolific siblings paused for a moment in stunned silence, and then burst into applause. They were overjoyed and relieved that after six childless years of brushing off their encouragement and advice, I had finally decided to arise from the dust and be a woman.

As I've shared the news with Church members, friends, colleagues, and even my department chair, their spontaneous congratulations and excitement have amazed me. I don't think I've ever had such immediate approval and support of any other decision I've made in my life.

A friend of mine in the ward, however, had an opposite but equally sensible reaction. She was dumbfounded, almost blurted out how sorry she was, asked if it was planned, and wondered aloud if my husband and I would be "cool" anymore. It made me laugh because I had expressed similar sentiments in two short words when that plus sign on the pregnancy test appeared in all its glory. (The first word was "holy" and the second word wasn't.)

I've always known I wanted children but only at some vague time in the distant future. Now that the future has arrived, I'm struggling to reconcile the personal goals that have defined me for my entire adult life with what appear to be the official requirements for a worthy mother in Zion. I agree that children are probably better off when a mother is always available for them, but the version of ideal motherhood advocated by the Church frightens me because it doesn't allow for a mother's outside interests. 

What I'd like to do may be impossible: to dedicate myself wholeheartedly to motherhood while still finding satisfaction in accomplishing my personal and academic goals. I find myself fitting the category of women described by Annie Weber, senior project manager of the Virginia Slims Opinion Poll 2000: "Women tell us keenly that they believe in the modern trinity of career, kids, and husband, but the stresses and strains of juggling all three are really telling on them." Over the past six years, the "modern trinity" I've believed in has consisted of me, my husband, and the Church. Trying to successfully balance all three has been tricky enough. Now that I'm about to add a child to the equation, will I still want my life to be primarily about me and my interests? 

I realize that other options permit women to pursue interests outside the home. A professor friend of mine says that both she and her child are more happy when he's at daycare with his buddies, and I've known of husbands who stay home with their kids either on a temporary or permanent basis. However, I think it will work best for my family if I stay home with our child, at least during the first few years. Because I've finished all the coursework, I believe I'll be able to complete the Ph.D. program I've started, doing most of my research and writing at home in between breastfeeding and changing diapers and when my husband is home. 

I sometimes wonder, though, if I'm going against God's plan by attempting to balance my family life with the requisite education and training in preparation for an academic career. The feeling I get from Conference talks and church leaders' comments is that a woman's education should prepare her above all else to raise her children and that when she becomes a mother, she should concentrate on her family and motherhood alone unless economic circumstances compel them to work. 

I have seen these leaders' comments interpreted by much of the Mormon world to mean that a mother is most successful when she derives all her happiness and satisfaction from her role as wife and mother.

But what about those women who want to pursue outside interests not for any economic necessity but because they really enjoy their professional life? Can a woman still be a good mother while developing talents that aren't useful in raising her children? Before I got pregnant, my response would have been an unqualified yes. But now that I'm facing up to the demands and responsibilities of caring for a new baby, whom I want to feel as important to me as the other pursuits in my life, I'm beginning to think that I'll have to make adjustments in the way I perceive and accomplish my personal goals.

Just two weeks after I learned I was pregnant, my department chair told me I had been chosen to accompany a group of undergraduates to Rome as an advisor and Italian instructor. Rather than elation, my initial feeling was disappointment, knowing that I couldn't go with a two-month-old baby. I also worried that my professor wouldn't think I was serious about my professional life when I told her I was pregnant. I was a little startled that her first reaction was full of congratulations and approval. To my further astonishment, she assured me that fellowship funding would be available when I was ready to do research for my dissertation. Receiving that kind of encouragement from an unexpected source gave me hope that it is possible to break the academic mold and still be considered a player in the field.

Giving up an extended stay in Italy was emotionally difficult and made me wonder what other sacrifices I'll have to make as I respond to my baby's needs. However, at this point in life, I'm grateful that my perspective is expanding to encompass more than my own interests and pursuits. I'm still not sure how my career will mesh with my new family, but I'm almost positive that if I pursue my interests with the same focus and intensity of the past, my stress level will increase and my family will suffer as a result. Perhaps that's what bothers me the most: not knowing exactly how to make the change from a life centered primarily around myself to one focused on my family's needs. I haven't yet pledged myself to either the stay-at-home mom model or the full-time career mother model, and I plan to find out whether there's enough room in God's plan to achieve successful results for me and my child somewhere in between. 

Jennifer Haraguchi is preparing for her oral exams in Italian literature and for the arrival of her first child in Chicago, Illinois.

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