Defining "Staying at Home"

Amy Koch
Volume 23, No. 3

Both my husband and I came from traditional families where our fathers worked outside the home and our mothers stayed at home to manage the household and care for the children. Before having children, we had agreed that he was in the better position to be the breadwinner and I the caregiver, so this arrangement would be best for our family. Once we actually had our first child, however, my choice to stay at home became more of an issue when I began experiencing what "staying at home" meant to me. 

Initially, I found I had more time on my hands than I had anticipated. I became stir-crazy while our baby napped. I found myself waking up to unscheduled days and many quiet, lonely hours. I wondered what other women did with their time. I began to understand how many women slowly fall into negative habits – like poor grooming, wearing sweats every day, overeating, and watching television as an escape from the stress and loneliness that often results from not knowing how to structure time. 

I also missed working almost immediately, so I accepted a position offered by my former employer that enabled me to work part time, predominantly from home. My responsibilities for this new job were less demanding, less stressful, and more behind the scenes than my previous job had been. An added bonus to this arrangement was bringing home a paycheck. 

At first, this transitional job was a welcome change. I had the best of both worlds: I was at home with our son, never missing a beat with his growth and development, and yet I still felt productive in the working world and was able to contribute financially to our household. It wasn't long, however, before I felt that something was missing. 

I had never realized how much my life revolved around work until I began staying at home. My sense of self-worth and accomplishment were closely tied to my work. My need to feel creative, challenged, and stimulated was satisfied through work. There was no one at home to pat me on the back and say, "Wow, Amy! Look how that floor shines" or "You're doing such a great job caring for your son. I'm giving you a raise starting next week!" I loved every minute I spent with my child but was unclear about how to evaluate my work as a mother. The world of work and the world of motherhood each pulled me in different directions, leaving me feeling successful in neither of them. 

For a while, I enjoyed being able to read all I wanted and finish projects, but I knew there had to be something more. I had nowhere to go and nowhere I needed to be. No one noticed or cared if I got out of bed or not. I felt I was slowly losing a part of myself that I once loved and knew so well – the strong and independent part of me that achieved, excelled, and accomplished. I knew I had to make some changes, but I wasn't sure what they needed to be. I wanted to enjoy staying at home and to feet comfortable with the decision I had made. 

A year passed, and we moved across the country for Dave to attend law school. I had planned to look for another part-time job but became discouraged once we explored both the high costs of childcare and the odds of finding quality care. Instead, I decided to take advantage of the demand for good childcare by caring for other children in my home. 

Little by little, I began to redefine myself. Strange as it may seem, caring for other people's children helped me to see myself as a good nurturer for the first time. Once I developed confidence in my abilities, I began to put all my energy into it. I had fun planning activities for the kids. We played games, read stories, sang songs and went on all sorts of outings, I started having a "real" work schedule again. I felt my creative energy flowing, and I felt challenged – in a different sort of way – by my work.

I started making friends and developed a good support network with other stay-at-home moms. We formed a playgroup that met once a week to let the kids play while we shared ideas and vented frustrations. I began to identify with these moms and started realizing how many great things there are about being at home. I no longer allowed myself to feel sorry about the career path I had "given up." I started looking at this time in my life as taking the scenic route – a wonderful detour from what I originally had planned. It was empowering to see how my decision to view my role as important affected my attitude in everything I did. 

My attitude change came as a direct result of giving myself a job description. For example, I decided I needed to take time for myself first – to get up early and exercise each morning. Then I needed to get myself ready for the day, just as I would if I were going out of the house to work. The job description included taking time to read, set goals, and talk to or go out with a friend on a regular basis. 

After following this job description, I found I could do a better job with the kids. Exploring what being a "stay-at-home" mom means has helped me to define my job description in simple terms rather than letting it become a vague cloud of overwhelming and immeasurable tasks. 

I also decided I needed to focus more on my reason for staying home in the first place – my children. I began to read more to them, sing songs with them, and spend individual time with each child. My job description also includes maintaining a functional household, preparing healthy meals, and spending one-on-one time with my husband, as well as spending family time together. 

Already I've seen how fast my children change. They are going to be under my care only a short time, and I want to make the most of it. I feel grateful that I'm able to be with them, and I hope to be a good influence on them. I want to make sure I teach them the same values my husband and I learned at home. The longer I live, the more precious life becomes to me. A day, a week, a month, and even a year goes by too quickly to be anywhere else but with my family. 

Defining my role as a "stay-at-home" mom was a difficult and gradual process for me. I didn't expect it to take as long as it did for me to feel comfortable with my decision to stay at home, but now I feel confident I've made the right choice. I no longer wonder what "might have been." I still miss the working world and have plans to further my education, but for right now I'm convinced I have the most important job I could have in raising my family.

Amy Koch loves teaching preschool in Chicago, Illinois.  

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