Decisions, Decisions

Mary Fullmer
Volume 23, No. 3

To work or not to work outside the home – that is the question that has plagued me for quite some time. It is an ongoing question that has had to be answered anew every so often rather than one that can be decided once and for all and be done with. I'm not sure why it has been such a continual issue, but it surely has.

I grew up in a small town where many women worked outside the home, but the recognized "place" for them was in the home. My mother worked off and on during my youth, mostly taking care of children in their homes. My aunt, who lived downstairs in our two-flat, was always home, so I had the attention I needed if my mother was away. I could also visit my father at his work, a half block away, and when he wasn't at work, he was at home. I thought my upbringing was conventional-having both parents involved in the raising of the children and participating in events of importance in their lives. As an only child, I laid claim to much of this kind of support from my parents.

When I was growing up, there was an expectation that the girls would marry young, raise families, and keep house. I did not marry young; I was nearly 31. At that ripe "old age," I had already had two careers – three years as a social worker and six as an elementary teacher – and was willing to continue working until children came along, something I hoped would happen early and often. 

A year after my marriage, I had my first child. It was easy to make the decision to give up teaching and stay home with my baby. It's what I had always wanted to do. When the second child came along fourteen months later, I knew I was in the right place doing the right thing. Despite my mother's encouragement to return to work and her offer to watch the girls for me, I refused because this was the job I wanted – to guide my little ones and be there for them as they grew up.

When my husband decided to go to graduate school, it was still an easy decision for me to stay at home with our daughters. It was also easy to decide to take care of children in my home because I could still stay home with my kids. Later, when I returned to work, I realized what a service I had been able to give because finding good childcare is not always easy. Having other children in our home was of mutual benefit – they were good companions for my girls and provided the opportunity for me to mother many.

When it became apparent that we weren't going to have a larger family of our own, it was easy to take a part-time job outside the home during the hours my girls were in school. It felt good to help provide income for the family, and it was a treat to do so in an office. It was especially satisfying to be working again in education, this time learning new things in the area of staff development. I felt I was able to manage family, church, and work responsibilities comfortably. 

The hard part came when my girls were on summer vacation and I still had to go to work every day. Looking for good childcare unsettled my feelings about being a working mom. I wanted to be available to my children (and in many ways my job accommodated that), but I also felt attached to my work. It was a sense of loyalty and feeling needed and useful that kept me attached to both my family and my job. This feeling of being needed is to be expected in relation to the family, but I wrestled at times with those same feelings towards my boss and co-workers. Was I giving my co-workers an undue portion of the loyalty that belonged to my family? 

I wanted my family to remain my top priority. Sometimes work got in the way, and I felt that I was neglecting them for something of less consequence. I considered over and over whether or not to remain employed. Whether it was a peaceful feeling that everything would be all right with my family or the passing of enough time for the pangs to subside, the fact is I have remained working outside the home since my younger daughter was in first grade, some seventeen years.

In many ways, my working has impacted our lives for good. In some ways it has been a selfish pursuit. Sometimes it has been tiresome and, dare I say it, a waste of time. However, I feel that I have grown as a person through work opportunities and have been able to share some of this growth with my family. They have also gained knowledge about other people and places through my work.

The down side to my working has been time away from family, the frustration of failing at keeping house to a high standard, and missed opportunities to spend meaningful time together as a family. The house isn't as orderly as it was when I was at home. I don't always cook from scratch. I have never developed some of the homemaking arts I admire so in others. I have missed some opportunities to serve in the schools or the community. And sometimes my husband hasn't received all the attention he deserves. But there has been love and music and spirituality and joy and peace and comfort in our home and a sense of belonging in the community. My children have let me know that, all in all, they have coped well with my working, even while recognizing the advantages and the tradeoffs that have come along the way. 

An important factor in the success of my working has been the constant support of my husband, who has always shared willingly the childcare and housework. Our girls have had many memorable, tie-binding experiences with their father that I am grateful for. Their relationship has been similar to the one I had with my own father, who passed away when I was sixteen.

What advice would I offer her? Remember that family comes first. With that priority in mind, other choices can be made in support of it.

What has become of my children? One daughter will soon return from a mission with plans to complete her college education. The other daughter is teaching high school and is engaged to be married this summer. She plans to have children. Will she be a stay-at-home mom like I was? Or a working mom like I was? It's hard to say at this point, but she has her own personal experiences and resources to help her make the decision. 

I love my daughters. I admire the women they have become. They have the strength of character and spirit that will carry them through many of life's challenges. They know they have loving parents – earthly and heavenly – who support and care about them and the choices they make, even the ones made over and over. 

Mary Fullmer is working, preparing for her daughter's wedding, and practicing her sign language with the deaf members of the ward in Chicago, Illinois.

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