A Mother for All Seasons

Jennifer Browns Bryan
Volume 23, No. 3

It's a typical Tuesday morning. I drag myself out of bed at 6:15, munch down a bowl of cereal, and shuffle upstairs to wake up in a hot shower. Twenty minutes later I pull a sleepy bundle of a boy out of his bed and set him in front of a "Thomas the Tank Engine" video to wake him up. I manage to get him to drink a glass of milk and gulp down a few bites of cereal. By 7:30, we are dressed and out the door. We drop off my husband at the train station, and I drop off my son at daycare. After a kiss goodbye, I am off to school. I won't see my family until 6 P.M. 

My family has been running at a feverish pace for almost a year. Last June, after two years of being a full-time mother, I decided to go back to school. I entered a twelve-month intensive graduate program to earn a master's degree in education simultaneously with a teaching credential in biology. In the mornings, I teach at a local high school; in the afternoons, I go to my classes; in the evenings, I read and write papers. In between, I try to squeeze in a little exercise and family time. It's tough.

I feel as if I am the fulcrum of an old-fashioned scale, trying delicately to balance two objects of great value. On one side of the scale rests my personal needs; on the other, my family's needs. The weights have shifted over the course of my relatively short married life. When I got married, I was still in college. Finishing my degree was never a question. I studied, worked in laboratories, volunteered, and finally settled on a career choice – teaching. My scale was somewhat balanced but a bit tipped to the side of my personal development.

The weights shifted when my husband was transferred overseas for work. This change came when I had almost completed my graduate school applications. For the first time, I had to make a choice that required me to sacrifice my plans for the sake of my family. The job was a good career move for my husband, but it would put all my plans on hold indefinitely. Whose career should take precedence? 

We talked and prayed at length. We knew that eventually we wanted to start a family. We both felt it was in the best interests of our family to have a parent at home. My husband and I both really wanted me to be that parent. If I were to be the full-time homemaker, my husband should be the "bread winner." His career took precedence at that time. 

I had a wonderful experience living in Japan. Once we moved, I felt the weights settle more equally. I worked as a teacher for over a year, gaining valuable experience about new cultures. I met new people, and I felt my personal life was enriched by the experience. Then I had a baby.

We felt totally unprepared but thrilled when we learned I was pregnant. I knew that having a child would prolong any plans I had for education or career, but we both felt this was a good time for our family. I quit work and settled into the life of a full-time mother. I can say that I was truly happy. I hadn't felt pressured to have this child; I hadn't felt pressured to stay at home. 

Although I knew my upbringing in the Church influenced my decisions, motherhood and a career were both things I wanted. I recognized that my plunge into motherhood definitely tipped the scales towards the family side and away from my personal needs, but I still felt fulfilled. I had time to do many things I wanted to do, things I was too busy to do when I worked outside the home. 

About a year after we moved back to the United States, I started to feel as if it was time to make another shift. Encouraged by my parents, supported by my husband, and prodded by inner feelings I could not ignore, I submitted my graduate school applications. Life had been pleasant and peaceful, but I felt it was time to give my intellectual and professional development a boost. When I was accepted into the program of my choice, I decided to take the plunge. 

I wasn't worried about school; I was worried about the effect of school on my husband and son. The scariest part of the decision was committing ourselves to a year of full-time daycare. My son had been with me since birth. All of the sudden we were going to throw him into the care of a stranger five days a week. How would he adjust? How would I adjust? How would daycare affect his development? How would our relationship change? What would I miss?

This change would demand a lot of my husband's time as well-a longer commute, less time at work, more time at home, and less family time. This decision would demand sacrifices from the two people I loved most. Could I ask them to sacrifice so much so that I could accomplish such personal goals? 

After eight months of school and daycare, I can say that my son is doing fine. My husband has enjoyed spending more time with our son. We found a nice woman to take care of him, and she treats him as she would her own. He has gone through ups and downs. He has learned to be more assertive, and he has enjoyed playing with other kids his age. 

But there is no place like home. If I had never known life as a full-time mom, I may not have realized what I was missing. But I do know what I am missing. My connection to my son is not quite as close as it was, simply because I am not with him as often during the week. It makes me sad that he has to go to daycare when he very obviously prefers to be home. I know that he is receiving good care, but there are things I want to help him explore, places I want to take him, responsibilities I want to help him take on, and expectations I want to uphold. I have learned that it is hard to excel both as a parent and as professional/student. I do not have the time and energy to do both well. 

I have needed this time in school for my personal development. I will fulfill my goal of teaching, whether it is in one year or five, part or full time. I find it an invigorating profession and calling. 

Every woman needs to find time to develop her interests and talents, whatever they may be. This may mean work, school, volunteering, hobbies, or sports. I don't need a paycheck as a measure of my self-worth or abilities, but I do need opportunities to nurture my interests. Each woman must make the choice for herself as she considers her own needs and the needs of her family. "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven . . ." (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

As I have weighed decisions of husband, child, education, career, and other personal choices, the scripture in Ecclesiastes has come to mind. I have had a season to be single, and I have had a season to be childless. I have had a season to be a full-time mother. This is my season to be at school. In four months, I will enter a new season in my life – mother for the second time and full-time motherhood again. 

As seasons change throughout my life, I know that the scale will be tipped back and forth. At times I will need to make even greater sacrifices for my family, and perhaps at other times they again will need to give me time for my needs. My goal is to find the right balance for the right season.

Jennifer Bryan is balancing carefully between school and family in Palo Alto, California. 

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