On Raising Sons

Ann Gardner Stone

Evanston, Illinois

Vol. 14, No. 2 (1988)

A woman was asked her thoughts on raising a son.  She replied, “With any luck, he’ll do some yard work.”

This rather facetious reply reflects some of the frustration and the fear that many mothers feel as they take on the job of raising male children.  Besides the obvious physical differences that can be alienating and a bit scary (there is nothing quite like the fright of stumbling into the bathroom in the middle of the night and falling into a cold toilet whose lid was left up by the males of the family), mothers must also face the centuries of cultural definitions that tell both boy and mother what it is to be a man.  And what if a mother sees that some of those old definitions do not work—in fact, may even be detrimental to the eternal progress of her son?  If she chooses to follow her heart, she must then worry that the change in the way that her son is raised might mean loneliness or even ostracism for him in a society that is still ruled by the old definitions.

Often I feel such sadness for my boys.  I think that to be a man is not an easy thing—regardless of what would appear to be his privileged position, particularly if he is middle-class and white.  What men often get with this position of privilege is a lot of responsibility and little instruction on how to share that responsibility, how to say no to it, how to express fear of it, or how even to use it in an even-handed and unselfish way.  Recently, in the physical therapy section of a children’s hospital, I saw a boy of about six struggle as he attempted to meet the expectations set out for him.  He was working to straighten out his crooked body; the simple task of standing straight was obviously very painful to him.  Even though he was trying not to cry or even complain, the tears began streaming down his face.  As they flowed, his mother repeated, “Be a man.  Be my little man.”

Although I am convinced that we mothers of sons are not responsible for who our boys are nor for the men they become, we obviously have great opportunities to influence the process of their growth and their ability to deal with the position in which they find themselves.  I have worried about what I am doing with my own sons.  Am I giving them the right messages, providing the proper role models?  Is my teaching, teaching, always teaching of benefit to them?  I have no girls, but I assume that I would be worrying about the job that I was doing with them as well.  Maybe I would even worry more because I know so well the wrongs done to females.  I find comfort in reminding myself that my boys’ father—an enlightened, gentle man whose eyes never glazed over when women wanted to talk about feelings—was neglected by both his mother and father.  He, however, did remarkably well figuring out what kind of a man he wanted to be.  I hope that my sons will follow his lead as well as listen to my voice.

These are just a few of the issues about raising sons of concern to me; fortunately the authors of the articles included here have touched on most of them.  It was interesting how often similar concerns were raised.  The voices that you hear in the following articles often speak in unison as they grapple with such issues as boys and violence; boys and the priesthood; boys and issues of intimacy; boys without fathers’ boys as our brothers, our husbands, our fathers.

As these issues were dealt with, however, others began to emerge.  One answer seemed to suggest another questions.  We are, therefore, planning a follow-up issue on “Raising Sons” [Volume XV, Number 2; deadline December 1, 1988] that will include responses by fathers of sons; mothers of sons as mothers-in-law; a closer look at the Young Men’s program, including the Scouting program; as well as your thoughts and reactions to any of these topics.

In the meantime, as the discussion continues, it seems that what we are all hoping for and working toward is raising better human beings, Christian human beings, not better men or better women.  And as one of my boys might say, “That’s awesome!”